Horrorscopes for April 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - Razors and semen spraying from your spinal medulla.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Black moons eclipse your lonesome face and so you're hidden in the longsuffering night.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - You were both man and woman until the nuclear parasite called human emerged from genitals.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Erect phalluses of birds. Temples. My fingers between your crotch and anus.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - A serpent mates with your mother and generations of blackberry bushes grow in your heart.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Ceremony: Hieroglyphs whose meanings have been lost, decapitation, hearts ripped from bodies.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - The shadow of nature that binds and restrains expands in your coccyx until language becomes flesh.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - You woke up with blood and teeth in your jaws again. You're gonna have to start sleeping in cages again.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Lizards are people. People are lizards. For evidence read Margaret Fuller's scholarly 1971 masterwork: “People are lizards. Lizards are people.”
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - Lepers gathering dead children in nets to feed to the “beast of the plague” so that he'll leave the town in peace.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - They've been chanting in the hills behind your house for two days and now they're coming toward your house with knives to take you from this world.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - Your panties are around your ankles and my hands are between your legs frantically searching for union and ecstasy in your hairy crotch.