by Zack Kouns


C'mon, not a door? Well, then this isn't pictorial proof of Rick J Weaver being a litterbug by leaving a Large 1 Dollar McCafe Coffee Cup in my 98 Toyota Camry for me to clean up like I'm his handservant.

Sure, I understand your point perfectly. Not a door. Uh-huh. And this isn't a ceramic eagle with no face and a clipped left wing perched atop a family grave marker in a disused Ironton, OH cemetary.

I don't buy it. Elder Beerman is trying to mess with me and I've had it. Not a door? Well, this is not a candid photo of Robert Sean Leonard in his starring role as the doomed, tragic romantic "Neil Perry" in Peter Weir's 1989 classic "Dead Poets Society"

I can't do it, Hyatt. Not even Ethan Hawke can rouse me from my fury or allow Elder Beerman to get the last word. Not a door. Not a door? Well, I guess you can also say that this isn't a tranquil stream by a tiny rural hospital in the evening with a lonesome sun retiring for a good night's rest.

Sure thing. Read you loud and clear. Not a door. And this isn't a closeup of famed Popular Music singer Demi Lovato's face.

You expect me to buy it? Not a door huh, Elder Beerman great American giant shopping center. Well, I'Ve got a mouthful for you: this isn't Robin "funny guy" Williams playing the title role in an expansive American cinematic event "Forrest Gump"

Well, there's just no way I can ever get over this in my entire life. Not a door? Well, this isn't a photo of me petting my old kitty kat while mid day sunlight pours in from my window and I marvel at Robinson Jeffers' mastery of his craft.

You sold me. Not a door. In other news, this is not a photo of a gloved hand opening the bathroom door for a handicapped gentleman.

Hey, I'm not here to argue, Elder Beerman. You say it's not a door and that's aces with me. This? This isn't a picture of ol' Kounsie doing a little donkey dance and taking a little donkey chance.

Sure. SURE. Would you like to know what this isn't, Elder Beerman? It isn't a picture of a bandaged, bloodied hand throwing a Benji with a dirty sink and several gory antibacterial wipes serving as a backdrop.

It's nice to know what "is" and what "is not" huh, Elder Beerman, American Department Store where people buy apparel and various household sundries? Let me tell you something. This "is not" a blurry picture of a disused bulldozer with trees growing between the shafts and spaces of the hulking machine, illustrating nature's conquering instinct.