Talk of the Town
by Zack Kouns

Demi Lovato's face discovered to be three Blue Jays

After several months of intense study, three leading ornithologists agree: Demi Lovato's so called face is actually just 3 blue jays who appear to be in a kind of unexplained suspended hibernation on top of the famed “Give Your Heart A Break” singer's neck. Dr. Charles Majory, who arranged for the study after spying Lovato on the Teen Choice Awards and noticing what he called “a distinct avian quality” in the young popular musical artist's visage commented on the group's findings thusly: “I think this is going a red letter day for our definitions of reality and will extend exponentially the horizons of our understanding. Also, this explains why Popular Music sounds like a bunch of birdies screeching out inane, unintelligible, pointless lyrics.” When this journalist tried to reach Lovato for comment, her spokesperson said “Just make something up, you fucking idiot. Her face is made of Blue Jays, what sort of response do you expect to get?”

Steve Winwood to marry longtime lover, The Baltic Sea

After years of secret romance, contesting rigid pelagic law and being battered in the court of public opinion that great champion of love's tender liberation Steve Winwood will finally accomplish something that has the potential to break down all barriers between human and oceanic relationships: he will marry his longtime lover, the Baltic Sea. This comes after an extensive case that seemed hopeless and was bogged down in the Estonian courts, until finally Winwood's attorney pointed out: they don't actually have courts or for that matter, any law at all in Estonia. Winwood had quizzically had been acting as the prosecutor, judge and defendant for the make believe trial that was being held in the local dining establishment “Hell Hunt” in Tallinn. When reached for comment about the outcome of the trial, the judge (Winwood himself, pretending to be a judge by wearing a robe and a dated white wig) answered in a whiny, pronounced cockney accent: “Rich, old white people can literally do anything they want to do.” The ceremony will be held in Tallinn on the shores of the Bride to be, attended by a bunch of rich old white people. When asked about the honeymoon, Winwood reported “My lovely fiance has expressed her wishes to visit Cyprus...so there are obvious logistical hurdles we'll have to iron out. Fortunately, rich, old white people can literally do anything they want to do.”