by David Byrne
Fashion tips for bipeds:
All weather, all events, within reason, baseball pants.
The material breathes and insulates, is tough yet soft, stretches and cradles, and has huge back pockets. The wide waist band shapes and controls, and if you're lucky, it will have an inner band of rubber that grips onto your shirt, allowing you full flexibility without losing the perfect tuck.
I myself have been wearing Under Armour baseball pants for months on end, and have made zero baseball puns. Like I said, the pockets, here intended to hold multiple baseballs, are deep and stretchy. There are no front pockets, which is a considerable downside, because I often turn off my phone by smothering it into overheating. Just as the baseball player whips balls from the pocket like a teen whipping eggs at me from a moving car once when I was like 8 and hit me in the eye and I thought it was this dead rat that I just stepped over springing to life and biting my face, so the contents of the back pockets will hatch like well-tended eggs under the heat and pressure of your unavian ass. But lo! baseball pants offer a solution! The thick elastic waist band with rubber inline grips will hold any flat object less than 1/3 the circumference of your waist in cool suspension.
I just discovered a cavity in my back molar. Fuck. It feels way deeper than it looks. And you will look way deeper than you feel. In baseball pants. PLAY BALL!