Tips for Tykes: Advice for Today's Youth (April 2015)
by Zack Kouns

1) Set aside a night every couple of weeks to get really hammered alone and start texting acquaintances you don't know very well questions or statements like: "I really wish that you would have let me know a lot sooner that you were going to be an extra in the major motion picture "Cloud Atlas" so that I could've given you the support and praise that you deserved." or "It really bothers me more than I've ever let on that Rachel McAdams, of "To The Wonder" fame wrote, co-produces and stars in the earliest Peanuts cartoons."

2) Dreams come true. Unless they're dreams where you're half bird of prey half slithery serpent and you have a really long tongue and it's your responsibility to lick all of the seeds in the ground so that they can sprout. It's not too likely that this dream will come true.

3) Don't bother taking selfies unless you're crying really hard, covered in blood or a large animal has just puked on your face.

4) Get your head out of your ass

5) Don't listen to most adults, because the lion's share of adults are depressed and sad. Only listen to joyous people.

6) Christmas carols never go out of style.

7) Don't sleep on the Rock musician Sting's solo albums.

8) Don't smooch on a hayride

9) Try White Castle's Veggie Burgers. They come with three different sauces to top them, but I personally recommend the Honey Mustard.

10) Log on to http://www.facebook.com, send a friend request to Rick and wait till about 3am to send him a personal message about Billy Joel, something along the lines of "I like All For Lenya and Goodnight Saigon, Rick. Heavy hitting songs about the big issues of life."