Pizza Sluts
by Tabitha Vidaurri

My friend PK Plaza told me this story about when he was a teen and he had purchased his first porno on VHS. It was called Pizza Sluts, and with a name like that, I'm sure it was probably riveting. He didn't want his parents to know he had this tape in his possession, so he removed the Pizza Sluts cover and hid the cassette in the box for the movie Judge Dredd (1995), the logic being that his parents would never watch that movie and his secret would be safe. He was correct, as this movie was terrible.

Last month I was rehearsing for this play and the theater was right above a store named "Video DVD." There's a law in New York that you can't just simply have a porno store, you have to also sell regular movies. My friend Zach and I went inside and the first thing we saw was a bald male mannequin wearing a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt. All the posters on the walls were from movies that had totally bombed, like Your Highness and the movie with Mel Gibson and a puppet. We looked through the DVD's and they had a pretty big selection of shitty bootlegs, and an impressive "Childrens" section full of Spanish VHS tapes of Casper: El Fantasmo. I was giggling like an idiot and taking pictures with my phone. The guy over by the cash register, presumably guarding the glass case full of dildos and bongs, didn't even raise an eyebrow.

Zach was like "I'm going to go in the back and check it out." I said, "Ok, I'm going to stay up here because I don't feel like getting semen on me." I continued to browse through the DVDs. I considered buying a copy of Tango and Cash but decided against it because it probably had smegma on it. Zach returned from the back and said, "Yeah you shouldn't go in there. Nobody should go in there."

I guess as a society we still have to hide porn because it's considered unacceptable or whatever, but I think it makes everything more creepy when it's hidden. Poorly hidden at that. I mean if your a teen and you're hiding your shit in a creative manner like PK, more power to you. But if you're an adult and you run a sleaze shop don't keep Disney movies in the corner. I hope no actual children have been in that store. You should sell classic rated-R flicks like Poison Ivy and Species. Anyway that's what I think. And also, I hope the Pizza Sluts are doing ok, whereever they are.