Larry David's Ancient Aliens and the Winding Snake Tail of Mr. October: A roundtable discussion
by Zack Kouns and Robby Kee
ZK: I get madder and madder when I think of goofy Larry David coming up with all of these theories about aliens in Egypt. He's really not an expert and I don't see what he has against life.
RK: Do you think he just discovered Sun Ra and really can't grasp it? It's a wacky version of the Batman theme. Not everybody can handle that kind of firepower.
ZK: I think that if he's got something to say about alien flight craft flying Solomon to landing strips all over the world, then he needs to get off this Social Media slam campaign that he's been running and start putting some of those cold hard Seinborg dollars into researching real practical facts regarding the info he's putting out there.
It bothers me that Curb your whatever is mainly about alien conspiracy theories and also has a fan page on Facebook, moderated by Larry David who answers everyone's questions about how and why aliens taught us how to behave and be good boys and girls.
RK: The part about curb scans, the whole arc about stealing the forks was clearly advising viewers to make tin foil helmets with baked potato style holes in it. I don't expect the guy to get social media. He's Jeremy Irons' age.
ZK: Yeah, now we're cooking. Getting tired of the guy. Have you read this Seinborg wing nut's newest blog post about "the grays" talking about this humanoid ET creature? Wonder if we should kick this guy off the internet or what? He just sent me a text of alien teeth and it's my day off so he needs to back off.
RK: Trouble is, he's not the one posting these things. Other people are doing it for him. You're gonna have to go after CBS. They're from around you, right?
ZK: Hey don't start throwing stones at my house, warden. Just because Larry David created "Seinborg", a TV program about ancient comedians from outer space making the world laugh a little at their foibles doesn't mean I'm to blame because his broadcasters (Alien Communications Inc) set up their landing pad in my backyard.
RK: Look, if I learned anything from Commander Keen, it's that you just knock out an alien with a stun gun. And wear a helmet. It helps if you can jump over great distances with a pogo stick.
ZK: You know what, Kee? If Larry David wants to keep getting on CBS Twitter accounts claiming that he's the descendant of King Tut's solar master dad and the entire culture of Gabon wants to back him on that with paintings on rock, I just don't know how to do anything about it.
RK: Hey, I just told you how Commander Keen solved this problem with snail aliens, who also had a strange ancient lineage You don't have to take that advice, but it is a way that it got done.
ZK: Look, I'm not to (kee)n on all this tricky (Kee)n talk that's trying to get me off of Larry David's scent. I want to discuss the real issues. For example: why does Larry David spend so much of his day traveling to ancient Egypt and what are you going to do about it? Larry David has spent the last 12 hours sending me the two word text "Star Knowledge" over and over again. I've received 2000 texts from him today. That guy needs to find a hobby.
RK: I was hoping you could king your way through this one, but that's not looking likely. I think Larry David lost it at the Star Knowledge conference. I don't think my human dignity could've survived that experience any better than his.
ZK: Yeah, thanks for sending me that article that you and Larry told me to read about gunfighter aliens who wiped out the Native American population. Now I'm an expert at figuring out why you two want to sneak into my day to day life and feed me sneaky stories and made up web pages. Kee, I can't figure out why you and Larry David are so dead set on putting alien landing pads on every roof in the Americas? I think citizens have a right to choose and not be bullied by big mouth fringe types like you and Larry David.
RK: It'll be solar panels if we don't. I think you're just trying to zap birds out of the sky so you can feed them wolves. Who's put you up to the solar panel push? The big mouths are on ancient aliens and I'm all about the modern aliens. I'm going to swim a few laps with some modern aliens. I hope you have a good excuse for yourself when I get back.
ZK: Typical Alien elite trick: answer a question with a question. While you're swimming in the dust rings of Saturn, I think you should consider going green. A lot of Alien sympathizers are jumping on board, no reason for you to stand out in the cold, Kee.
RK: Fusion or bust, Kouns. Fusion or bust. I'm not willing to let the aliens who give us our technology be lazy at the expense of birds.
ZK: Look Kee, I don't think you understand the problem here. I've received thousands of texts from Larry David today. Here's the most recent: "I just locked my bathroom door, took off all of my clothes and am laying in my bathtub with a knife and a baseball bat. I'm ready for the sky predators."
RK: That's why they shouldn't have made a sequel to Alien vs Predator. They just followed Gremlins and put a flying one in the second movie. Bad form.
ZK; Here's another example. I guess he's talking about vegetable/extraterrestrial hybrids: "I know a lot about wildlife and I want to conserve all animal life so that we can all enjoy going to the gym together, lions in the gym, oak trees in the gym, salmon in the gym all enjoying pizza night together but in my professional opinion we should and did put some particular Hybrids they created behind bars"
RK: What's wrong with any of that?
ZK: I'm trying to get some work done here, not listen to some old crank crackpot rattle on about pizza night at the gym and oak tree/alien hybrids pumping iron.
RK: If you want to close your heart, we'll have to impeach you from your position as a reporter from the frontier of sanity. I think Rick is looking for an upgrade to his Sky Miles account. You have to make time for this kind of dispatch.
ZK: You don't make the call Kee. Rick is my bone broth lap lap lap.
RK: Rick's been doing good work embedding himself in with Chumbawumba. What anarchist collective pop groups are you in these days? Did you even steal David Letterman's hair yet? I'm sitting here in Atlanta drinking herbal tea and prepping to steal Piers Morgan's heart out of his chest and you can't even shave Letterman's head? Do you know how many times I watched Temple of Doom to get that technique down? I do. 217.
ZK: I'm working on a series of stories about Reggie Jackson having a surgery that will make his lower body a long snake tail so that he can make a return to baseball and the land of the living. I don't have time for an acerbic coot's conspiracy theories or to listen to Rick thump tubs. America wants to talk baseball, Kee. Or America wants to talk baseball playing aliens, which Larry David is eerily silent about.
RK: He's prejudiced in favor of the bald and there aren't as many bald baseball players. There's 3 bald footballers to every bald shortstop.
ZK: I've been doing focus groups with the people who read this rag and the results are: more resurrected, half snake Hall of Famer success stories, less Kee blabbering on (also called "Larry Daviding") about Letterman's hair or lack of hair. Read the studies, college boy.
RK: I only agree on the first point. We need stronger survery data.
ZK: Kee, we tested everyone who reads this magazine. 6 billion people. That's everyone on planet earth. The results are conclusive. We even interviewed some of David's ancient aliens but they talked in heiroglyphs and geometric shapes so we just assumed with Mr October's winding reptilian lower half being of prime interest.