by Mac Callihan
A fact worth noting is a fact worth toting. WEEEEE! Smitty Holbrook back at ya for a special leap year edition of Prophet Basketball Report! You lovely creatures of God, forgive my recent absence. I’ve neglected you these past several months, but to be truthful, I can’t be held fully responsible.
Here’s why: I awoke in the dark and safe confines of a cave this morning, cozily coddled by some half a dozen primitive and hibernating black bears. Why did they take me in? And what series of events led me down to this Tennessee cave? All old Smith here can figure is…that cave must have been a welcome sight for my weary eyes. Since the earliest days of winter, before Christmas, I’ve been missing. My wife and Adam Silver put together massive search teams and enlisted numerous trackers. No tips though, no tracks, no scent of this old Prophet Hoop reporter. My whereabouts have been as much a mystery to me as they have been to my loved ones in Argillite, Kentucky. They thought I was dead. You may have thought so, too. Not so fast! I’m back, Propheteers! Winter can’t kill me!
I arrived around noon today, out on my farm. My wife bawled and kissed my face all over. I cried too. Commissioner Adam Silver rushed over, head hanging out the window of his Dodge Ram, rejoicing and ecstatic, praising the Lord with a megaphone. He brought a handful of Prophets with him, and I must say, wow…what a celebration of life we’ve had today! It feels so indescribably wonderful to have people who love me as much as I love them.
They have all left, except for Silver, who is dozing in the guest room upstairs. His reasoning to me was, “…yeah, yeah, you need to settle back in. Whatever, I get that. You need a little time to decide whether you are part bear…this whole hibernation phenomenon deal. Sure. That’s fair. But I’m keeping tabs on you for at least the first few days here, bud…you could sneak away again. End up God knows where for the entirety of spring.”
Silver is alright by me. When he and the boys got here earlier, he informed me a doctor was on the way to check me out thoroughly. According to the doc, my heart rate earlier was at 46, though he says it likely was much lower during my hibernation with the black bears. He took some urine and confirmed that in a pattern consistent with a variety of hibernating species, I was able to recycle my protein and urine through the winter. He was befuddled, for sure, but amazed and smiling. He didn’t know whether he should maybe just call a vet in, too. And we decided the vet can come over tomorrow to run some tests on me. The doc kept shaking his head, saying things like “unexplainable…you must have eaten a tremendous amount of food to store it in fat deposits…for several days leading up to your winter sleep.” He kept saying the word, “phenomenon.” He cleared me, after running many tests, and recommended food. Lots of food and water. And easing back into a work schedule that isn’t too frantic.
So, anyway, Prophet Nation. WEEEE! BASKETBALL?! I DON’T KNOW! But…SO…earlier today all I heard was that Steph Curry hits nearly every 3 he takes, no matter the distance?! Gotta love that deadeye shifter, coming into his own, right?! Dribbling in circles, blindfolded, on rocky terrain. Sick-o junk, boys, what have I missed?! I’ve got some homework to do. Ha! Until next time, you enduring family of mine. I’m Smith Holbrook, and it’s Prophet Reporting.