Horrorscopes for August 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - You will fill a bathtub with gasoline and human blood and set yourself on fire, dreaming of tenderness and silence.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Swallow those flat round stones from the creek bed behind your house, then those vines will coil around your lonesome heart.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - You'll wake up in a cave three months from now totally nude with an empty bottle of bear juice lying next to you and think: did I marry a fucking black bear?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Hang father by his tiny, wilting spermatazoa, crawl back into mother's bloated ovum.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - Shark men are hiding in those wasp nests hanging from your gutter; listen to their wise shark words and learn about the murder in your heart.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - You've wondered what a human heart tastes like for too long; cut yours out and devour all the frenzy and longing.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - You'll find love hiding in the dark forest; don't go in there without a machete. Love means to eviscerate you and dance like a wounded horse in the rain with your intestines draped around it's lovely body.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - Your apartment complex will catch fire. Your husband will die. Your two children will die. You'll start a new life in the forest, drinking from the stream with wild dogs.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Smear excrement on your face and hands, hide in the bushes and wait for your neighbor to come out of his house.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - You've been thinking about the surgery for some time: Don't delay! Now is the time to have yourself transformed into a minotaur.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - There's a dead animal in your bed. Dig a hole in the soft,wet earth and bury yourself alive with the dead beast.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - Put your hands on her buttocks. Kiss her mouth. Kiss her breasts.