Last year I did a show in Philly, and my friends in the audience remarked that my comedy partner, Jason, resembled Anthony Keidis in various stages of his career. This was because at one point in the show he was wearing a blonde shitty wig, and then later he was wearing a black shitty wig. We all got to joking about how the show was really about Anthony Keidis traveling through time.

Well, I ended up writing it as a sketch, and we performed it at the Philly comedy spectacular “Welcome to the Terrordome.” I’ve tried to get Jason to do it again, but he keeps figuring out excuses not to. Whenever I ask he looks at me like I’m a little girl asking to go to Pony Camp and he’s my impoverished Dad. “We’ll see. Maybe next year.”

So I’ve decided to give you the screenplay here, in it’s raw form. During the performance I change costumes a number of times, and Jason looks like he’s in the “Give it Away Now” video, so, no shirt. Is that even what that song is named? I know the Weird Al version about The Flintstones way better. Anyway, here’s MOVIE MAGIC:

Lights up. Tabitha addresses the audience.

Tabitha : There's one thing that's been really bothering me lately. I guess we all wonder about it from time to time, but it's been keeping me up at night. The big question. What if Anthony Keidis could time travel?

GIVE IT AWAY NOW, Jason jumps in from of Tab dancing like Anthony Keidis.

He stops, Tab is dressed as a GROUPIE.

Groupie: It's 1995, your band the Red Hot Chili Peppers is like the most popular band ever, currently. We had sex in a portapotty at Lallapalooza and I'm late for my period. What should I do?

GIVE IT AWAY NOW plays, Jason jumps in from of Tab dancing like Anthony Keidis.

Jason stops at Tab dressed as IGGY POP

Iggy: Hey man, it's been so lonely here in Detroit in the late 1960's. Out of sheer boredom I've decided to change my name to Iggy Pop. Hey man, I really like that look, the long hair and the no shirt. Do you want to be friends?

GIVE IT AWAY NOW plays, Jason jumps in from of Tab dancing like Anthony Keidis.

Jason stops at Tab dressed as DAUGHTER

Daughter: Hey I really like your sound. It's cool cause it's like the 90's and the 90's are in now because it's 2014 and shit. You know my dad was in a band, my mom banged him in a portapotty in 95. Do you want to bang me in a portapotty?

GIVE IT AWAY NOW plays, Jason jumps in from of Tab dancing like Anthony Keidis.

Jason stops at Tab dressed as a Scientist.

Scientist: Anthony, it's the year 2044. We've found a cure for AIDS. It's derived from these rare, South American, Red Hot Chilli Peppers. We want to provide this cure to as many people as possible. We need to Give It Away, Give It Away, Now! Time is of the essence. Will you use your celebrity status to help us use Red Hot Chili Peppers to heal the world?

Anthony: AIDS is a bad disease, man. But I don't know, that's a pretty big burden for one person to take on. I feel like my soul is being squeezed. I'm going to go think about it at my favorite mediation spot, under the bridge.

UNDER THE BRIDGE plays. Jason runs in place in slow motion.

Scientist: Uh yeah, I can still see you.

BLACKOUT

Tab and Jason: Thank you, goodnight!