Love No Longer For The Lucky
by Chad Beattie

       To find true everlasting love in a cold and hollow world is no simple task for the average American. Studies show that 84.4% of Americans die alone while over half of these deaths result from terminal loneliness – a drastically increasing figure. Only a measly 5.9% of Americans die holding hands with their soulmate, smiling happily as they pass into the fatal realm of infinite darkness.
       However, the hopelessly unlovable still have a chance, says Simon Pierce, lead scientist for PhiloProfits Inc.
       “Here at PhiloProfits, we have developed a procedure that connects the brainwaves of two complete strangers and forces them to fall in love forever with no possible way to escape.”
       Peter and Janet, the first two subjects, have never seen each other in their lives; however, they share one common trait: complete and utter desperation. Pierce explains:
       “We chose Peter and Janet because they were the lowest of the low – lower than two bums in a gutter. Hell, even lower than the gutter. But here at PhiloProfits we believe in true love and we believe that we can create it with even the most pitiful of individuals.”
       When asked if Janet was attracted to Peter, she responded, “Eh, I'd sleep with him if I was trying to get back at an ex or on a shit load of drugs.”
       When asked the same question, Peter admitted, “Yeah, I'd bang her if the bar was closing”
       Peter and Janet were equally repulsed by each other. However, this was no concern to Pierce and his team of trained scientists. Pierce clears his throat and explains the process.
       “We first put the subjects under anesthesia to numb all reactions to pain,” says Pierce. “Then we tie the subjects hands and feet to metals bars and dump copious amounts of supplements containing the hormone testosterone into the subject's bloodstream. We wait a few minutes to allow the supplements to sink into the subjects brains. Then we use electro shock methods to pump the subjects bodies full of adrenaline. This jolt of electricity is so powerful it awakens the subjects to an alarmingly manic state of sexual aggression. We then toss the two subjects into a padded room and immediately they begin fucking like animals.”
       Oxytocin, the so-called “hugging hormone,” is sent and secreted to the pituitary gland after an orgasm. This is the hormone that creates eternal bonds.
       “The more you cum, the more you love. It's that simple,” says Pierce, tapping his pencil against his teeth as he watches Peter and Janet fornicate through the one-way mirror.
       When questioned about the morality of the experiments, Pierce reassures us, “Don't worry, man. It's totally legal.”
       Of course physical attraction and true love are two entirely separate entities. While it's no difficult task to offer your body to someone with feelings of apathy, it's not as easy to offer your body to someone for over twenty years and still carry that same spark.
       Pierce explains, “We know what you're thinking. Just because two people fuck once doesn't mean they're in love. And you're right. Just this year I've fucked over twenty people and haven't called a single one of them back.”
       He then explains that for four weeks after their first sexual encounter, the subjects are required to remain at PhiloProfits headquarters for further treatment. They are given hourly shots of serotonin and norepinephrine, which cause the subjects to experience extreme insomnia and a decreased appetite. Pierce explains the process:
       “We basically drug them up to the point of helplessness. They're so out of it they'll believe anything. It's absolutely nuts. The subjects are entirely unaware of what we're doing to them. We could pretty much do anything we wanted.”
       Pierce proves his point by ordering Peter to strip naked and pound his big toe with a hammer.
       “These two people are completely oblivious to the fact that we're helping them fall in love,” laughs Pierce as he watches blood spew from Peter's foot.
       During the four weeks, the subjects are given exercises, or “memory scratchers”, that help form a pact between the two subjects. Such exercises include practices of fellatio, anal intercourse, analilaglia, cunnalingus, alvinophilia, pictophilia, BDSM, and PPP (professional pussy play.)
       “After six agonizing months, the two subjects become sexual slaves to one another,” says Pierce. “They have surpassed the level of attraction to uncontrollable attachment. They literally need the other to survive.”
       After a few signatures, Peter and Janet are freed back into the world and expected to live the rest of their days in complete harmony.
       “At the end of the day, I just like to help people. And if I can do so by blinding them with drugs, then so be it. I mean, isn't happiness and stupidity the same thing?”