Horrorscopes for December 2012
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - Wolves are lapping up the blood of the child that died inside you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Someone is waiting for you in you shower. He will pull the orgasm from your shuddering genitals.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - Someday your prince will come. He will be a frightened, untamed stag and will gore you through your heart that has been writhing in agony.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - The bells in the tower are pealing. You've been dead for three weeks. Your mother brings serpents to your grave.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - The sun has died. The crops have returned to the dark earth. You're starving to death.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Wash the blood off your hands. Claw your eyes out. Hang yourself from the branches of an ancient tree. In this way, you return to life.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - Cut off the hand that held hers. Bury it with her in the rain soaked ground. A child of God will emerge from her decaying womb and crawl up toward the light.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - You've killed your husband and his body is in a wheelbarrow by the shed. Thus, life returns to the parts of your body that had been deadened by his love.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Every man that has ever lived has risen from crude graves and are beginning new lives at the bottom of oceans.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - Your sisters and mother are in the front yard dancing the witches sabbath.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - The daughter that you've loved with such a deep affection has died in her bedroom. The plague opens her door and slips back out into the night.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - You hit me three times in the face. I held you against the door, you were shrieking with pain and love. My erect phallus bright red with love for you is inside your womb
and we fuck forever.