THIS IS NOT A DOOR (December 2013)
by Zack Kouns
YEAH. I bet. GET REAL
I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS. Sure. THIS IS NOT A MEADOW.
Yeah. UH-HUH. And this is not a spider.
Yeah. I bet. In other news, these guys aren't Vanilla Wafer Mascots.
Not a door, huh? Well this isn't a picture of Morgan Garrett wearing a Pharaoh's crown.
WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, THIS ISN'T AN ILLUSTRATION OF YELLOW PRIMROSES.
AND THIS? THIS IS NOT A BEDOUIN LOOKING FORLORN AFTER A LONG VOYAGE ACROSS THE DESERT.
YEAH, I ROGER THAT. AND THIS ISN'T A T SHIRT OF A MAJESTIC WOLF HOWLING AT A MYSTIC MOON.
AND THIS ISN'T A PICURE OF THE WORD MORROCCO WITH A MARREKESH BACKDROP
ALSO, THIS ISN'T A BOTTLE OF BOB MARLEY'S MELLOW MOOD
That's not a door and this isn't a framed photograph of a Golden Retiever with a shoe in it's mouth seen through a shop window.
OK, I TRIED TO GET OVER THIS BUT I CAN'T. NOT A DOOR? YEAH. WELL THIS ISN'T A VICTORIAN STYLE HOLOGRAPHIC PAINTING OF A SKELETON HOLDING A DOG.
THIS IS NOT THE OHIO RIVER
THIS IS NOT THE MEDITERRANEAN
THAT'S NOT A DOOR, HUH? WELL WOULD THAT MAKE THIS A DOOR?
THIS IS NOT 2 PICKLED BEET EGGS, A SLICE OF BLACKBERRY COBBLER WITH A "THINGS TO DO IN RURAL MARYLAND AND PENNSYLVANIA" MAP IN THE BACKGROUND
OH MAN, GETTING JAZZED UP ALL OVER AGAIN. NOT A DOOR? GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. NOT A DOOR? WELL, THIS ISN'T A PICTURE OF MY FAVORITE LOREENA MCKENNIT ALBUM THAT FEATURES THE MESMERIZING HIT TRACK "MUMMERS DANCE"
NOT A DOOR. NOT A DOOR? SURE. SURE. WELL THIS ISN'T A TRASHCAN IN A BATHROOM THAT'S FILLED WITH EMPTY PLASTIC BEER CUPS, A BLOODY PIECE OF TOILET PAPER AND 2 TAMPONS. TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME.
OK BACK IN THE SADDLE HERE NOT A DOOR? YEAH, WELL THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF MORGAN GARRETT HAVING LOADS OF FUN WITH HIS COLLEGE FRIENDS IN ATHEN, OH WHILE THROWING A BENJI
YEAH, NOT A DOOR HUH WELL WELL WELL THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF STARDADDY STANDING NEXT TO AN ANIMATRONIC BUZZARD WHILE SOMEONE HOLDS UP A PLASTIC GLOVE TO HIS MOUTH TRYING TO MAKE HIM EAT IT NOT A DOOR YEAH RIGHT
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