Zack Kouns asks the tough questions
Robby Kee 'fesses up about the "Stallion" incident
ZK: When I watched you throw a mixed drink in a galloping stallion's face, it really flipped my switch. Did that horse hurt your feelings or what in the hell's going on here?
RK: I'm not that horse's mothers womb, so it's not that bad.
ZK: C'mon Kee, don't stonewall me. If you're getting so hot and bothered about romantic intrigue in horse on horse relations, why don't you try talking about your feelings to them instead of whipping an expensive cocktail at their snout?
RK: I don't have my glasses on right now. I just thought I read "bestseller" across the top of a copy of The Odyssey. It's a confusing time, there might be some equine casualties. And there will probably be more. It's a confusing time and I will live with the vigor due.
ZK: Look, if you think the "glasses" routine is gonna help you squirm out of this jam, you're barking up the wrong tree. I've got 20/20 vision big boy and I can see right through this bull. Your big issue is that you just don't believe horses ought to have love lives and that doesn't sit well with me.
RK: Look, animals just attach their genitals to each other's to satisfy genetic commands. I do not grant them amorous agency. This isn't a Disney movie.
ZK: Then why are you throwing drinks in Stallion's faces? What do you have to hide?
RK: This isn't Canada. I can intoxicate any animal I choose.
ZK: You're tap dancing around the hard questions here, Rob. Aren't you afraid this breaking news is gonna spell trouble for your big Atlanta rock band "The Nows"
RK: You might be correct if I played in a rock band, but I do not do that. I am called a "noiser" for what I do, and in that scene antics are encouraged. They lend credibility to the assumption that the performer is a genuine lunatic. This is desirable for both audience and performer.
ZK: Lets get a react quote from Rick Weaver regarding this previous statement "Kee's rock act "The Nows" have almost as much attitude and popularity in Atlanta as my big new act "Rick Weaver/Spiritual Recess tour" that everyone's talking about on facebook and elsewhere while I sit pretty on Babe Island. I'm really worried that Robby's gone too far with his latest publicity stunt or that maybe was even jealous of that male horse for any number of reasons."
Rick's worried about you, I'm worried about you. What gives, Rob? This is a little more serious than locking big name experimental acts in your home and tying yourself up with tape. What's with the new development? What's the equine world ever done to you?
RK: What's the equine world ever done for me? Nothing. I don't owe them anything special. I had a problem with one horse, not the world of horses. I never tried to universalize after your incident trying to ride that goat like a horse. Or what you don't like about fields. Why do you keep putting your feet on their field faces? How are they gonna photosynthesize with Kouns toes all over them?
ZK: You're the one on trial here, Kee and the public is the judge, jury and executioner and if I ever see Sean Penn wearing tons and tons of makeup again I'm going to swear out a warrant for you and that horse's arrest. Everytime you throw an expensive cocktail in a horse's face, Sean Penn puts 30 layers of foundation on his aging face and your big hit rock and noise act "The Nows" get taken down a few pegs. You should apologize to me for throwing a drink or two in that horse's face.
RK: Have you become a horse since we last saw each other?
ZK: I speak for horses and I accept their apologies. Sometimes graciously and sometimes I get PO'ed.
RK: So you're the Lorax for aggrieved horses? What about pleased horses? Do you accept their thanks?
ZK: Yeah, the world just needs to start apologizing right away and constantly to me and I'll tell them all to kiss away at my and all horse's asses, baby!
RK: I may have thrown a drink in that horse's face, but I also sent him a link to this Donald Fagan piano instructional video. I think that makes us even.
ZK: Horses have hooves. Fagan has hooves. Wardens have hooves. I'm 100 percent certain that all creatures on planet earth have hooves. Horses have a relaxed attitude and drink tea out of troughs like the rest of us. You should try that for once, city boy.
RK: A trough? I'll stick to matching glass sets like all decent people. "Eclectic" dishware is for assholes.
ZK: You have hooves and you can't hold a glass and you need to start drinking out of troughs like a big grown horse, sissy.
RK: If you can't balance a glass on a hoof, you are genuinely uncouth. This is exactly what finishing school is for.
ZK: My big problem with you is that you're a horse and you can't admit that you were never admitted to Horse U and that you will never own up to whipping a drink in your own horse face. If you don't legalize horse on horse relations in Atlanta, no one will Rob. Be a hero for once and stand up against the big wigs.
RK: Who's got a bigger wig than a horse's mane? I have just realized that there is every possibility that you have confused me, Robert Hayes Kee, with actor and star of Airplane! Robert Hayes. In that film, the protagonist, played by RH, has a "drinking problem" due to which he cannot successfully imbibe and liquid. He can only throw the drink over this shoulder, in a fashion somewhat similar to the superstitious disposal of salt. I do not believe he strikes a horse with a drink, but given your love of free roaming mammals is well known and could explain the substitution.
ZK: That's baloney Kee and me and my viewers are not gonna put up with any kind of flim flam excuses. Everyone's always trying to pull the famous "Airplane!" defense out of their ass on this program and I've had it up to here with it. I saw you fling a drink in a horse's face and I'm ready to call law enforcement or whatever agency so you can do some time.