Status Updates that I didn't post to www.facebook.com (December 2016)
by Zack Kouns

Is there any chance you could have a toilet installed in your office that I can use constantly?

Our triple album about Foghorn Leghorn whooping a dog with a paddle will get us both in the rock and roll hall of fame where we belong. Foghorn Leghorn never used guns like Morgan does. That’s the truth. I’d love to see a photograph of Morgan’s gun in the trash.

I just googled “Rick Weaver dunking” and came up with thousands of images

I’d love to hear you play a bass line that consists of exactly 12 notes over and over. You should slap the bass guitar strings more. You should dance like a spider when you play bass.

Look, regardless of whether you want your pup to smooth talk you, in this dog eat dog world it’s still smart for all pups to be fluent in a second language especially so close to the border. Also being able to dribble will help your doggie go pro. I can teach your house pet how to dribble and sink a three pointer very easily.

I can rope the whirlwind, I can love a lot, I can sneak up on the living organisms of this world and say “have some fun, I can walk up to you and say hello if you want to get CRAZY

You’re never going to believe this but here goes: Naomi Watts the movie star just came into my own personal home dressed like a sexy owl/whatever in the hell and then she said to me in a whisper: “cape” I wish I didn’t have to mention that, but I do.

Your fingers look like spiders.

Huh, that reminds me of the Baltimore County City Liquor Authority and thinking of that reminds me of Warden Kee and thinking of that reminds me of how nice it's gonna be to lock up a few Kansas City Royals this evening. Doing any swimming, oh that's right you hate swimming.

Let's have a drink. Let's have a think. Stinking fornevers, I've been every place that you'll ever be and I'm going to zip over to where you're not and also to where you are. I'll be in all places at no times, because forever is never and always you precious precious precious pippups sitting in my lap and crying in my slime. Life is dirty. Life is brutal. Got to play ball. But we're going to be free. Free of ourselves. I'll take that responsibility. Adalbert Stifter. Read up and read on. I was him last go round. Read my novella "Rock Crystal"

I don't have to sleep anymore. Used to back when I was human and humid but sleep's for chickens. Hiding away in the night. It's a quarter past a cuckoo and the sadseas are a raging. I can't learn anything, Summer. Because I'm a dum dum. Ever heard of Amamnesis? I already found it all out. The hard way. 8 the hard way. Gambling our cares away. I've heard of cabbage cleavage, the clever new product from Maniax Industries International and a part of their devastating Fall line. "Cabbage Cleavage: Yours sons are out there in the fields, drinking poision, dad. Climb on in to the cabbage cleavage patch with Cae and gamble your cares away." Going off the mouthrails. Making all the mouthsales.