COLUMNS
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Horrorscopes for February 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - You swallow her husband's heart and now she's hanging by her hair from the upstairs window softly crying out in pain.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - The man you thought you married turns out to be an enormous yellow jacket. It's hard to get any rest because he involuntarily flaps his giant, veiny wings all night as he sleeps.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - You're in the Burma Club and it's 1947. A leggy blonde poured a glass of Merlot into her hairy crotch.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - They just fished his body out of Clinch Lake. You've discovered that sorrow is a real thing.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - It's raining iron ore and stark, black misery. You've been sleeping underneath a dead pony for 3 days to try and stay dry.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - A dead Cambodian girl was standing on your bed when you woke up this morning. She ceremoniously crouched before you and deftly masturbated you and your wife at the same time.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - You're out by the thorn bushes puking because you swallowed all her longing and loss.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - Crawl into her body through her anus and discover the dark countries inside her. True love.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Make a large gash from your throat to your genitals. Remove all the living things inside you.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - Your children are floating face down in pond water. Death won't have them, so they take in great lungfuls of algae and worldliness.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - A tree has sprouted from your abdomen and now you have no peace or respite from the children in the neighborhood trying to climb in your branches.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - You're in a motel room, both of you dripping with sweat and pool water. You pull her bikini bottom down to her ankles and insert your stiff member into her throbbing canyons of everlasting life.
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