St. Paul, Minnesota
by Smith Holbrook

I’m Smith W. Holbrook, sinners and saints, and I’m with you LIVE! from St. Paul, Minnesota for this month’s podcast. I love you, Propheteers…you faithful and miraculous lot! We are a month into 2015, and this…yes, this is going to be the best year of your life. I just PROPHESIED that, LOLLZ! This will be the most productive and joyous year you’ve ever had. And oh, oh me…Prophet Nation, how you deserve it so. Let’s draw nearer to the Lord this year than we ever have; let us teach and put on display His love for humanity. Let’s spread the message of His goodness. Prophet peoples, let us be ever mindful of His sacrifice—that he did on Calvary’s cross what we could not do for ourselves. He offers eternal salvation. The Son of Man! The truth will set you free! Hosana! Hosaaaaana! HOOOOSSSSSSAAAAANNNNNAAAAA!!! He loves you, He loves you, He loves us all! Prophet Nation! Ahhhhh!!!!!!! I’m just going with it now, who cares, I’m a halftime madman! Mad with the Spirit! Feed me the rock, Lord! I am holding Your hand, Father God! I am your trusting child, God! I’m simply overjoyed to hold Your hand and walk next to You—to let You guide me! Enfold us in Your unconditional love, Father! Enfold! Yes, enfold…enfold us…enfold…

SOUND EFFECTS: Smith is panting, trying to catch his breath, and we hear the bustling excitement of the people who have encircled him. Two of them recognize his unmistakably calming tone. “The voice of the Prophets! Praise God, it’s the voice of the Prophets!” they yell. “He’s off the chain!” exclaims a small boy sporting an oversized Striver Roark jersey. “I feel God plum down in my LEGS!” screams a shaking and sweaty man, barely able to maintain.

My name is SOUND EFFECTS, and it’s good to be back, boys. I’ve been called soulless, but that’s a lie. A lie from the enemy. I’m a little rigid sometimes, and I report straight facts. But that’s my job. I am essentially an invisible video camera; an omnipotent narrarator. So, anyway, Smith has climbed up onto his stadium seat at this point. He’s got on a legit Timberwolf costume and is stretching his arms up high as he can above his head. His head is tilted back as he praises the Lord, and he can hear the support from the small and faithful crowd surrounding him. The outer, upper rims of the stadium is where Smits holds his halftime worship. The people are generally more accepting of his worship when he’s on the outskirts. He lovingly calls them his ‘Upper Deck Disciples’ or the ‘Cheap Seat Saints.’ A nifty Apple device is in the seat next to him, recording his Prophet Podcast. It’s an awesome, bizarre scene, truthfully. Okay, okay, enough! Let’s get back to my creator. Talk to ya real soon.

the times…all those times you let this lowly sinner off the hook. Your mercy, Your grace. We love you, and I know you love us. You’ve given us life, and You’ve promised us everlasting life. And these…these are the greatest gifts of all, Lord. Go Timberwolves. Amen.

SOUND EFFECTS: The Upper Deck Disciples all scream “Amen!” and high five each other before hugging Smith and thanking him for the good Word.

Phew! Propheteers! Hope you enjoyed that little bit of haltime gratitude I sent up to the heavens! I pray for you all nightly, listeners—the strangers and friends alike. You all deserve forgiveness—even if you don’t think you do. Yowww! This Timberwolf costume is blazing hot, by the way, but definitely worth the sweat. Anyway, about the game! It’s surely been a barnburner tonight between the Golden State Warriors and the Minnesota Timberwolves. Call the firefighters! Sound the alarm! Gather up the cattle, chicks, n’ horsies! Hahaaa! Let’s get tooooo it, Propheteers.

SOUND EFFECTS: Pom-poms and wind chimes. Trickling water. An almost Egyptian style dubstep beat created by Smith Holbrook drops for about ten seconds and then fades out.

As most of you know by now, Tim “I’m Open!” Atkins retired from the NBA last week. He’s ready to head back home to the bluegrass, and WHO CAN BLAME HIM?!?! HA! As you all know, Tim kind of stumbled into fame and the spotlight during last year’s Western Conference NBA Finals. He hit the game (and series) winning 3 pointer which was literally the equivalent of hitting the Powerball. I like to think Adam Silver smiled like a possum when Tim hit that insanely deep 3 over Carmelo Anthony’s outstretched fingertips. I love “I’m Open!” Atkins, and I’m proud to call him a longtime friend. And I’m happy as can be that he recognizes how blessed he is. He played in only a handful of games this season, only in the last minute of the games, and only when the outcomes of said games were a foregone conclusion. The Spurs’ Head Coach Greg Poppovich says of Tim: “…he’s just not NBA caliber—he was the weakest link of all the Prophets when Silver merged the leagues. That being said, he ended up being the most unlikely good luck charm in the history of sports. Tim knows that now, we’ve humbled him and he’s really found his identity as a ball player now. He’s unselfish with the ball now, and he’s quite the passer, actually. He’ll be a tremendous asset when he returns to the Wurtland/Flatwoods 1st Methodist Prophets. I love Tim and his family, and I respect his decision to retire from our team. I’m honored to know him.”

Awesome stuff right there. But Propheteers, where one Prophets NBA career ends, another starts. Yesterday, Adam Silver, plucked a promising new Prophet out from the Northeastern Kentucky Churchball circuit. It’s a young man named Paul Hastings from Flatwoods, and he loves the Lord with all his heart. Silver personally sought him out at his apartment last night, and they had a heart to heart talk about God’s grace and mercy for hours. When they left Paul’s place and hopped in Commish Silver’s jet, the 20 year old Prophet signed a 1 year, $1 Million dollar contract with the Minnesota Timberwolves. Silver dropped him off late last night and jetted away on “urgent business.” Who knows what that means. Ha! And here we are! Paul Hastings STARTED in tonight’s game on Commisioner Silver’s orders. Praise God! Go Commonwealth! He has scored 14 points in the first half, shooting 61% from the field. He’s got 7 deflections, 4 assists, and 0 turnovers. A stellar first half performance for a Shell station employee and KCTCS sophomore majoring in psychology. He’s playing as if it’s his birthright. It’s…AWESOME!

Before the second half resumes in 5 minutes, let me give you some quick updates and tidbits since we last spoke.

At 6 A.M. this morning, back home in beautiful Raceland, KY, I awoke to a knock on my front door. Confused and half asleep, I opened the door and saw a black SUV peeling out before speeding away. At my feet sat a big cardboard box. In bold and black letters it read this: HOWL AT THE MOON, HOLBROOK. I knew instantly that Adam Silver orchestrated this drop. I hurriedly opened the package to find a Timberwolf costume, a two tickets—one for a plane, one for a Minnesota Timberwolves costume. I received no explanation or hint about why I needed to attend this game, but I knew Silver had a reason. An hour before tipoff, he called me, giddy as a young boy. He happily told me the entire scoop on Paul Hastings. I was glad to hear it. We chatted a bit about his promise and future, and home life. It was pleasant! Silver is a complete nut. He actually moved to Argillite, Kentucky 3 weeks ago so to be closer to the Took. We’ve all—Prophets included—been worshipping there, pilgrimaging there on these cold winter Sundays for the past month. Got us a preacher, a fine one! The Holy Spirit has been moving, Prophet Nation. Thank the Lord! Boy, it’s wild here in St. Paul right now. And the second half is getting ready to commence! I’m going to hop off of here and enjoy it, Propheteers…you lovely bunch. Keep the lost and wicked in your prayers. Keep the righteous and humble in your prayers. And forgive. Love! Until next time, Prophet Faithful. I’m Smith Holbrook, and it’s been Prophet reporting.