“Here’s your invitation to

WITNESS

The Resurrection of

LEW LAMBERT’s

HAUNTED VIDEO

Shoppe

 FINALLY!

 a video store that ‘raises the scare’

                                 then raises your hair

 a wild wellspring of wicked delights that’ll have ya welling up with tears from fears

 SURPRISES!

 (in every corner)

 COMPROMISES!

 (none in sight)

 DEMISES!

 (including yours, my dear)

 RE-OPENING!

ya thought we were:

RIP!

but

we

are:

BIB! (Back in Business),

so if you were thinking about throwing away your old rental card,

 THINK AGAIN!

 Don’t Give Up The Membership!

  We’re Back!

        (and Badder than Beelzebub

(My wife sees it behind my eyes, the swarm of Demons, simply getting ready to get down.

SIX FEET DOWN!

She’s been praying for me while I sleep, rubbing crystals on my body and saying ‘Dear God this and that,’ but

GUESS WHAT?

The Devil NEVER Sleeps!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Come on in

to

 swim in sin

  wine and dine with the Devil

  get down with the

    Gorgon

   Feast with the Beast

  Dine with the Least

(and maybe even rent a video or two)  

…but

first you have to answer the

Big

Q’s”

is what the leaflet said. I knew I had to get myself deep into this resurrection, so I vapidly scribbled in my answers on

“LEW LAMBERT’S

                                        ANSWER UP!

                                        It’s the

                                        Big Q’s or Lose

                                        VIDEO Shoppe

                                        Application”

and this is how my application looked:

“First Name: Rick                        

Middle Initial: J        

Last Name: Weaver

Street Address: 2452 Eutaw Place

City: Baltimore

State: MD

Zip Code: 21211

Phone #: 443-812-2602

Social Security #: 218–28-1822

Date of Birth: 10/28/1991

Name Your Five Favorite Films And Why:

1) Table Manors

        The premise is simple: take a group of people who can’t stand one another, have them over for dinner in a bunch of manors, and watch the pies fly! Like I said, it’s simple…and that’s why it works.

2) Thanks, But No Thanks

        Love hurts. We all know that. And Thanks, But No Thanks really drives that home, in an endearing way. If you’ve ever fallen in love or listened to a song about love, then this rom com will really hit you where the heart hurts. Watch as an everyday couple’s marriage completely crumbles in front of your eyes in 3D. The disintegration really starts when they decide to adopt a drool-y dog named Bappy and Bappy gives them more than they bargained for. Then, they go on to witness a murder, and have to enter the witness relocation program, which lands them in Kashmir, smack in the middle of a heated land dispute. But the heartaches don’t stop there. Soon, the couple is running from a peeved-off ex-wrestler named Jaybird Streamers… and

                                                                SPOILER ALERT: Things just keep going downhill from there!

3) Lower Restraint

        The Action genre’s death is always being announced by the critics (just like rock n’ roll’s), yet it never actually dies. It just keeps going and finding new cool ways to re-invent itself, and Lower Restraint is no exception.

        Tally me BANANAS!!!: ‘Cause when I tally it up, this bang-em-up has more body counts than it does seconds. than it does words. than it does acting.

        I always love a good time.

4) The Day of the Groom

        Don’t let the title misled you - this flick has NOTHING to do with weddings. It’s actually about a bird! The bird is a swan that likes to move its neck around and around. One day it finds a pair of shades and a boombox. So the bird really starts grooving and having a good time in the park. And nobody is around! This goes on all day until sundown. The soundtrack rocks.

5) Original Equipment

        Two mechanics (who happen to be brothers and also good pals) get a radio show and the boss only has one rule for them: no jokes. Unfortunately for the boss, these two grease monkeys just can’t be torqued down. Get ready for a blowout on the road of laughs when Ronny the Rack and Finny the Pinion start talking shop.

What Is Fear?

        False Experience Appearing Real.

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

        People.

What Was Your Scariest Thing That Ever Happened In Your Life?

        I don’t feel comfortable scribbling that kind of thing on paper. So very personal. You know?

How Important Is Safety In The Workplace?

        I’d say, very important.

What Floats Your Boats?

        Skimming the surface, slapping the side of the nettle, angling the rails against the other side, and those sort of things, committed in the nude.

Are You Able To Function Without Notice?

        Yes.

May We Contact Your Former Employer?

        I don’t see why not.”

And so on. The questions never seemed to end! And, diligent me, I answered each and every one of them q’s. I stuck with it. I didn’t have much to do. I needed the work. I needed the resurrection.

Needless to say, I did not get the job.