The Patriotic Slide
by Chad Beattie

The heart of humankind
died and dried
& hope is just another four letter word
same as love. . .

     In May 2013, under democrat Milton O'Molley's governance, the state of Maryland successfully outlawed capital punishment; however, once right-wing governor Herman Cadiwack took over in 2016, under his horrific tyrannical values, a new law was passed that reads, “Maryland state law can be patriotically discarded if certain unpatriotic moral boundaries are crossed.” This law was called the Patriotic Slide.

     January 10, 6016 - only a month before the biggest football game of the year - marks the second time in history the Patriotic Slide has been used (the first being in March 2016 to ban all practicing muslims from using public restrooms.) Many outspoken liberal yahoos claim the Patriotic Slide is a dictatorial device used by Fascists to murder democracy. On the contrary, many conservative spit-swappers believe the Patriotic Slide helps reinforce and rebuild the country they've grown to love - the same country that's withering away before their greying eyes. Thanks to the highly conservative law passed by a bribed congress, the hope for democracy has vanished in one hateful spiritual swoop.

     Four thousand years after David Bowie's ill-fortuned death, the Patriotic Slide is resurrected from the lingering shadows and used to release athlete Milk Radley from Baltimore penitentiary. Radley was arrested three days ago for first-degree murder. After slicing his wife Margaret's throat in the kitchen and drowning his two twin children, Eleanor (13) and Jonathan (also 13), in the bathtub, Radley was found by off-duty police officer Franklin Bradbury on 25th and Greenmount, carrying a knife in one hand and his wife's head in the other.

     “He looked suspicious,” says officer Bradbury, smacking his lips like a donkey chewing on a strand of hay. “So I pulled over and stopped him. I questioned him and conducted a background check, as is mandatory routine. Learning that he had no warrants out for his arrest and that he exhibited semi-normal behavior, I had no other choice than to let him go. It wasn't until I got halfway home that it dawned on me. I thought to myself, 'Was that who I think it was?' and sure enough it was exactly who I thought it was – Milk Radley, lead quarterback for the Baltimore Raisins. I turned my car around so fast the road sizzled. I had to get Radley's autograph.”

     With Megabowl 6016 approaching, tensions tend to overflow at times. To act irresponsibly under pressure is expected when stress levels are so dangerously high. 6016 is the first year the Baltimore Raisins have made it to the playoffs for over three thousand years. The mere possibility of them achieving success in the Megabowl is enough to raise any casual Raisin fan's eyebrow, not to mention the impact it might have on the mental health of the lead quarterback. It's only logical that Radley might be under copious amounts of stress – so much that his frontal lobe may at times over heat, causing violent schizophrenic black-outs to occur. During these uncontrolled black-outs, one cannot be held responsible for his or her actions no matter how destructive these actions may be. Therefore, thanks to the Patriotic Slide, Milk Radley was temporarily released from prison.

     Though he is not entirely at fault - due to an episodic psychiatric illness - Milk Radley has not been completely let off the hook. There are still three dead bodies he has to account for. Justice must be rightfully served. Under the Patriotic Slide, it has been ruled that Milk Radley be released as a free citizen until the date February 14, 6016 in order to revive Baltimore's laughably pathetic sports reputation. After the game, however, Radley will be immediately ushered out of the arena back to prison where his name will be plucked onto the death row list. In five years time, the murderous bastard will be as dead as a doorknob. Deader than a deer in Denver. Dead.

     Not to worry, Raisin aficionados and Baltimoreans alike – Milk Radley will not be aware of his approaching demise, as he will be released under the assumption that he is a free man. Free to roam the land and breathe the air, no different than any other free man or woman living in this systematic planet. He will live his life ordinarily with a controlled level of stress. Of course, corporate government agency Cloud88 – who monitor all federal regulations and policies – will forego necessary measures to prolong Radley's sanity. Using various neurological stimulants and chemical chips, Cloud88 scientists will brainwash Radley into believing that his wife and kids are not dead, but went on vacation to visit his mother-in-law. This will subdue any anxiety, guilt, or anger that might result from Radley knowing he murdered his own family, which as a result will maintain his stealth and keep his wit sharp for the big game.

     Cloud88 founder and presidential candidate Ronald Glump, who is currently leading republican polls in the next election (isn't that a frightening thought?), assures the public that no one, excluding Milk Radley, will be harmed as a result of these mind-altering experiments that are being conducted.

     “We just wanna see a good fair game,” admits Glump, flailing his flippers in the air. “Football is not just a sport, it's a traditional American past-time. It's what separates the common man from jews, queers, and communists. Football is the greatest thing there is on this planet. What'd be the fun in watching two sports teams compete when one of them has a detrimental handicap? It'd be like watching America in a war with France. . . Or any country for that matter.”

     Glump not only saved Baltimore citizens from disappointment, he displayed a tremendous amount of kindness and courage by allowing Milk Radley a couple more weeks of aimless disillusion before he's permanently removed from existence. Ronald Glump, who coincidentally endorsed this piece of writing, is the only candidate that can make America great again. Obviously reducing domestic terrorism by placing stricter regulations on gun ownership is a backwards step. Our first assignment is to decimate the entire middle east. Because for every innocent civilian there is .006 radical terrorists ready to blow our precious little heads off. Glump continues:

     “There's a lot of losers out there and I can tell you most of those losers want to smash this beautiful country to bits with their intellectual socialistic ideas. What I intend to do is rid the country of anyone who questions the fundamental Christian values that has helped build America into a slew of good hard-working people. If and when I'm leading this country, anyone who threatens the validity of the Patriotic Slide will be immediately deported. That I can assure you.”

     Republican candidate Ronald Glump is scheduled to give a speech in Iowa next Thursday, where he will unfold his plan of nuclear terror. Until that time, Cloud88 will be closely examining anyone – mainly, atheists, socialists, and intellectuals – who oppose the ruling of the court. Anyone who poses the slightest threat toward the Patriotic Slide will be properly dealt with.

     The 6016 Megabowl is sponsored by Cloud88. The Baltimore Raisins kick off at precisely 4:00 (ET). We hope you'll be watching behind your television screens. We'll be watching too.