by Chad Beattie
The heart of humankind
died and dried
& hope is just another four letter word
same as love. . .
In May 2013, under democrat Milton O'Molley's governance, the state
of Maryland successfully outlawed capital punishment; however, once
right-wing governor Herman Cadiwack took over in 2016, under his
horrific tyrannical values, a new law was passed that reads,
“Maryland state law can be patriotically discarded if certain
unpatriotic moral boundaries are crossed.” This law was called
the Patriotic Slide.
January 10, 6016 - only a month before the biggest football game of
the year - marks the second time in history the Patriotic Slide has
been used (the first being in March 2016 to ban all practicing
muslims from using public restrooms.) Many outspoken liberal yahoos
claim the Patriotic Slide is a dictatorial device used by Fascists to
murder democracy. On the contrary, many conservative spit-swappers
believe the Patriotic Slide helps reinforce and rebuild the country
they've grown to love - the same country that's withering away before
their greying eyes. Thanks to the highly conservative law passed by a
bribed congress, the hope for democracy has vanished in one hateful
spiritual swoop.
Four
thousand years after David Bowie's ill-fortuned death, the Patriotic
Slide is resurrected from the lingering shadows and used to release
athlete Milk Radley from Baltimore penitentiary. Radley was arrested
three days ago for first-degree murder. After slicing his wife
Margaret's throat in the kitchen and drowning his two twin children,
Eleanor (13) and Jonathan (also 13), in the bathtub, Radley was found
by off-duty police officer Franklin Bradbury on 25th
and Greenmount, carrying a knife in one hand and his wife's head in
the other.
“He looked suspicious,” says officer Bradbury, smacking
his lips like a donkey chewing on a strand of hay. “So I pulled
over and stopped him. I questioned him and conducted a background
check, as is mandatory routine. Learning that he had no warrants out
for his arrest and that he exhibited semi-normal behavior, I had no
other choice than to let him go. It wasn't until I got halfway home
that it dawned on me. I thought to myself, 'Was that who I think it
was?' and sure enough it was exactly who I thought it was –
Milk Radley, lead quarterback for the Baltimore Raisins. I turned my
car around so fast the road sizzled. I had to get Radley's
autograph.”
With Megabowl 6016 approaching, tensions tend to overflow at times.
To act irresponsibly under pressure is expected when stress levels
are so dangerously high. 6016 is the first year the Baltimore Raisins
have made it to the playoffs for over three thousand years. The mere
possibility of them achieving success in the Megabowl is enough to
raise any casual Raisin fan's eyebrow, not to mention the impact it
might have on the mental health of the lead quarterback. It's only
logical that Radley might be under copious amounts of stress –
so much that his frontal lobe may at times over heat, causing violent
schizophrenic black-outs to occur. During these uncontrolled
black-outs, one cannot be held responsible for his or her actions no
matter how destructive these actions may be. Therefore, thanks to the
Patriotic Slide, Milk Radley was temporarily released from prison.
Though
he is not entirely at fault - due to an episodic psychiatric illness
- Milk Radley has not been completely let off the hook. There are
still three dead bodies he has to account for. Justice must be
rightfully served. Under the Patriotic Slide, it has been ruled that
Milk Radley be released as a free citizen until the date February 14,
6016 in order to revive Baltimore's laughably pathetic sports
reputation. After the game, however, Radley will be immediately
ushered out of the arena back to prison where his name will be
plucked onto the death row list. In five years time, the murderous
bastard will be as dead as a doorknob. Deader than a deer in Denver.
Dead.
Not to worry, Raisin aficionados and Baltimoreans alike – Milk
Radley will not be aware of his approaching demise, as he will be
released under the assumption that he is a free man. Free to roam the
land and breathe the air, no different than any other free man or
woman living in this systematic planet. He will live his life
ordinarily with a controlled level of stress. Of course, corporate
government agency Cloud88 – who monitor all federal regulations
and policies – will forego necessary measures to prolong
Radley's sanity. Using various neurological stimulants and chemical
chips, Cloud88 scientists will brainwash Radley into believing that
his wife and kids are not dead, but went on vacation to visit his
mother-in-law. This will subdue any anxiety, guilt, or anger that
might result from Radley knowing he murdered his own family, which as
a result will maintain his stealth and keep his wit sharp for the big
game.
Cloud88 founder and presidential candidate Ronald Glump, who is
currently leading republican polls in the next election (isn't that a
frightening thought?), assures the public that no one, excluding Milk
Radley, will be harmed as a result of these mind-altering experiments
that are being conducted.
“We just wanna see a good fair game,” admits Glump,
flailing his flippers in the air. “Football is not just a
sport, it's a traditional American past-time. It's what separates the
common man from jews, queers, and communists. Football is the
greatest thing there is on this planet. What'd be the fun in watching
two sports teams compete when one of them has a detrimental handicap?
It'd be like watching America in a war with France. . . Or any
country for that matter.”
Glump not only saved Baltimore citizens from disappointment, he
displayed a tremendous amount of kindness and courage by allowing
Milk Radley a couple more weeks of aimless disillusion before he's
permanently removed from existence. Ronald Glump, who coincidentally
endorsed this piece of writing, is the only candidate that can make
America great again. Obviously reducing domestic terrorism by placing
stricter regulations on gun ownership is a backwards step. Our first
assignment is to decimate the entire middle east. Because for every
innocent civilian there is .006 radical terrorists ready to blow our
precious little heads off. Glump continues:
“There's a lot of losers out there and I can tell you most of
those losers want to smash this beautiful country to bits with their
intellectual socialistic ideas. What I intend to do is rid the
country of anyone who questions the fundamental Christian values that
has helped build America into a slew of good hard-working people. If
and when I'm leading this country, anyone who threatens the validity
of the Patriotic Slide will be immediately deported. That I can
assure you.”
Republican
candidate Ronald Glump is scheduled to give a speech in Iowa next
Thursday, where he will unfold his plan of nuclear terror. Until that
time, Cloud88 will be closely examining anyone – mainly,
atheists, socialists, and intellectuals – who oppose the ruling
of the court. Anyone who poses the slightest threat toward the
Patriotic Slide will be properly dealt
with.
The
6016 Megabowl is sponsored by Cloud88. The Baltimore Raisins kick off
at precisely 4:00 (ET). We hope you'll be watching behind your
television screens. We'll be watching too.