The GOOD Act
by Chad Beattie

    Within the first week of Ronald Glump's presidency, his dictatorial ideologies quickly transformed the United States of America from a democracy to an oligarchy. After immediately stripping health care from the middle and lower classes, as well as decimating women's rights, Glump's next executive decision was to rid the country of anyone who opposed his fascist values by proposing the GOOD Act. The initial bill failed to pass congress after a devastating upset. Many members claimed the bill to be “inhumane” and “highly dangerous.” The 533 members of congress who opposed the ludicrous bill, however, were given what was commonly referred to as the Glump treatment. Or in other words, “You're fired!”

    The GOOD Act was signed into legislation in February 3017 – just a month after Glump took office. During that same month, after disappearing the LGBT [Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender] page from the official White House website, President Ronald Glump questionably constructed his cabinet under much public scrutiny. Rather than analyzing the experiences and qualifications of future potential cabinet members, Glump instead appointed his nominees based on the worth of their bank account as well as their compliance to his regime.

    The GOOD Act is thought to be amongst the most hateful acts since the beginning of human discovery. The GOOD Act states, quite literally, “Get out or die.” GIA [Glump Intelligence Agency], which replaced the CIA [Central Intelligence Agency] in late January, is responsible for monitoring suspicious activity within the nation. Any behavior that poses a near or distant threat to the safety of caucasian billionaires must be immediately dealt with for the sole purpose to make America great again.

    Those that continue to reside in the United States of America – which Glump plans to rename Glumpland – are given particular rules they are expected to follow in order to keep Glumpland safe from terrorists (i.e. socialists, communists, refugees, and minorities.) These rules, which will soon replace the laws of the Constitution, are as follows:

        1. One must not disagree with or speak out against leader Ronald Glump.
        2. One must visibly honor thy country by display of PGB [Personal Glump Badge].
        3. Ronald Glump must not be slandered by untrue statements regarding disproportionate physical features, i.e. hands or genitalia.
        4. One must tan in pigment-adapting rays one hour per day in order to create a future orange species.
        5. One must pray to Lord and Savior Ronald Glump twice a day.
        6. No losers.

    Ronald Glump was easily able to sink hooks into the guts of his prey through nostalgic remembrance of a time when life was much simpler, taxes much lower, and it only cost a nickel to play a tune in the jukebox. Glump played the card that time doesn't change and isn't supposed to. And his devoted disciples nodded their heads without missing a beat. Glump's election opponent, he vigorously repeated, was a crook – a criminal. Lock her up. Never mind the tax returns he continuously refuses to publicly release. Never mind the ever-deepening hole Glump dug himself when he jokingly decided to run for president during a coked-up pussy-grabbing binge.

    The comedown is often not as remarkable as the rise up. The main worry that remains is growing very apparent. When Ronald Glump falls – which he most certainly will – will he drag us down with him? Will he drown us in the flood of his filth, arrogance, and greed? I choose to think not. I choose to think that the universal goodness that exists within humankind can unite our divided species. I choose to think that by loving and accepting one another's beliefs and differences, we can conquer and overcome.

    The GOOD Act, like many if not all of Glump's horrific policies, represents nothing more than a doctrine of hate – a word that hardly describes the nature of the majority of Americans. However one wishes to oppose this rapidly declining system, whether it be through protest, politics, or art, it must be done with the grand almighty goal of love. Ronald Glump is nothing but a man – a weak and unfortunate man who has risen to power by his own fear and greed. We must not succumb to the same weakness that has led our oppressor to rise. We must fight with every inch, every step, every breath. We must push though this ghastly storm until we reach the rainbow. For truly, love glumps hate.