Horrorscopes for January 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - From children's teeth and the bones of savage animals you will construct a vessel that will allow you to drift from this dying world.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - You wake up in an immense desert and the sun and moon are both in the sky. You're chewing on thorned flowers while a bull rams his horns your intestines.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - The waters of the river off in the distance. God.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Aborted children crawling toward a forest where their mortal life has been hidden.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - Spines and the four chambers of the wounded human heart are at rest in a never ending field of poppies. You wander desperately toward them and feel their distance as you approach.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Elm trees, birch trees. Female sexual organs are budding from the branches and giving birth to wrens who call their heartbreaking call.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - You opened your refrigerator to find an intensely illuminated hieroglyph behind a tiny god who is clothed entirely with tektite and the scales of fish and who is desperately trying to speak.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - Collect your menstrual fluid. Bathe in it with your mother and father and discover the horrifying and exceedingly painful truths of your inner constellations.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Systoles and diastoles; hallucinations of plagues and miracles of a fire that devours everything that stands.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - A serpent crawled into your anus as you slept in the pasture with all of God's creatures. It coiled around your heart and slaked it's thirst on your wickedness.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - You murdered your brother and his youngest son. It's night and you've slumped down on the basement floor. His wife has called the police.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - You're outside and have just taken off her bra. You stand behind her with your hands on her breasts while she smokes a cigarette and throbs with pleasure.