This month in Yellow Journalism: Rick Weaver Exposed
by Zack Kouns and Morgan Garrett
MG: I hate to say this, but I will. Rick paid for a small airplane. He flew it right next door to the house at that tiny airport scraping the heads of the shrubs around the landing thing and then hung out and did this. I have decided that I'm going to call the police on him. It's irritating that day in, day out he does these psycho torture things and destroys my physical property.
ZK: I'm learning more and more about Rick, like the fact that he's responsible for chem trails and fluoride in our water supply. The big issue is that Rick's big wig lawyer dad will get him out of all close shaves so that Rick never has to face the music.
Morgan, I'm going to shoot straight with you. Rick just sent me a picture of him with Eric Davis and the year was 1990 but he was as old as he is now, so I think Rick is doing really secretive and sneaky stuff for the US Government and is being hush hush about it all. Rick knows more than he's letting on and is really high up in the New World Order.
I just saw Rick's online bank account and he's loaded with cash from his stocks in the fluoride industry and consulting work he does with the US Government. Finally I know why Rick has such a spooky smile. A lot of friends of mine are going to be really surprised to find out that such a high up member of the experimental performer art underground has been gathering and selling their info for years to the highest bidder.
MG: I'm getting mad. Rik married into my family recently and started up a photography corporation in conjunction with Content Recs. Rik texted me and released Earth Magic and paid to promote his posts about a fake "shrine" that he developed for his brother in law Morgan.
ZK: Hey Morgan, I'm just going to tell you the truth here. On the very same day that Shane Riley's wife Javi got elected Miss Athens, Rick threw a drink in her face because he was the front runner in the contest. You can run and tell Shane and everybody that Rick has a jealous temper and everyone should steer clear of him unless they're ready for anything. Morgan, Rick is getting on my last nerve. He's going player by player with the 90s Reds and sending me pictures of him standing next to them in real time and smiling his spooky smile, just trying to get on my bad side. He just sent me a picture of him with Rob Dibble and it looked recent.
It's really disgraceful to me that Rick pretends to be an All American boy and was born in France with Jeremy, both of them had their mouths crammed with Gruyere cheese since the moment they were born at the exact same time. If only he was born in the USA and lived in Ohio things could have turned out better for him, that's what I've been trying to tell him. But he insisted on being born in France as Jeremy's twin brother and now he's made his bed and has to lie in it.
Morgan, this bothers me a little. Rick opened up a Chipotle in Ironton, OH and is also cashing in on the Crossfit craze that's burning through the US.
MG: I can't believe Rick tried to collect royalties for his label from Shopaholic. I wrote that song.
ZK: Rick is trying to adopt Lauren as his foster child and I think IT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE SHE HAS A MOM AND DAD. RICK'S TRYING TO MAKE HER DO SLAVE LABOR AND MAKE HIS PERFORMER ART SUITS IN HIS BALTIMORE SWEATSHOP, YOU SHOULD FIGHT THAT IN COURT ALONG WITH HER REAL PARENTS.
Morgan, I have to tell you this right now: Rick, some of his child laborers and Josh Levi showed up to my house in the middle of the night. All of them broke in my house, took a crap in my toilet at the same time and clogged it up, then they did a collab drawing of my mom and put it on our refrigerator. I can't believe that Rick can fit Levi, his child laborers and himself inside a PT Cruiser and that they all needed to have a BM at the same time and they just HAD to choose my house for a pit stop. The police are involved but I'm afraid they're going to get away with it because they're in another state already.
Look, Rick hacked my friend Tony's OK Cupid account and changed all of his info to stuff about rolling joints and selling weed and that's got my friend in hot water with the police force and his online squeeze. I wish Rick had better things to do with his time.
OK Morgan, I'm on the edge here. Rick just sent me his new album "Zack Kouns sifted through my garbage to find a Rose Quartz Crystal that he then used to heal me of my emotional pain" and I really don't think he should be able to use my personage to promote his performer art sound art collage art or whatever he's going for. Thinking about calling an attorney.
You'll never believe this: Rick is staying at the Shawnee State Lodge right now but he doesn't appreciate the beauty of the forest and is cussing the state of Ohio out like crazy tonight.
MG: Rick taunted Josh Levi to haunt my family in my hometown. My sister was on lockdown 2 weeks ago because Josh Levi threatened some Lock of Love terror attack on my sister's school. Something to do with some sort of deranged pep rally thing. Do you know what? He's been harassing the Frankie Teardrop page constantly threatening to book the hundreds of other Frankie bands.
I'm sorry to wake everyone up but Rick just showed up at my house completely drenched in BBQ sauce and is ringing my door bell 1000 times a second. Does anyone have the number to a good attorney? I don't have to put up with this anymore.
MG: Rick is a sex addict.
ZK: I have to shoot straight with you, Morgan: Every text that Rick has sent me over the past 2 months has been about sex positions and cravings and imaginings he's been having. I asked him to stop because I'm not his therapist but he continually sends naked pictures of women he thinks are erotic and then tells me about positions he'd like to try with them. He just asked me to go on a beach trip with him so that we can wiggle out pickles at all the women on the beach. Forget it, Rick.
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