A Shoot Interview from the Big Match (January 2017)
by Zack Kouns, Pony Payroll Bones, Bryan Martin and Morgan Garrett
ZK: I can’t believe the fork in the sky close to your house nearly impaled me and Morgan.
BM: You know what they say: “It ain’t a towel until you’re twelve”
ZK: Bryan, you are DQ’ed. I will put you in the “Log Lomp Lub Leper Linguistic Lung Lipper”
BM: I too was never born, merely hatched
ZK: I’ll put you in the great hereafter in our great tag team match: The Rowdy Boyz (me and Morgy, or Sicky because of his bad immune system) vs The Achy Breaky Flu. You’re about to get a new fever babe and you can quote Morgy or oh I mean Sicky on that or oops I mean Morgan.
BM: Zack, the password and login you gave me are wrong again, please drink more cough syrup & employ my patented MittenMash technique lest I curse yer mossy keyboard and “mouse” I’m all about this match. I can git my own heat but I refuse to fight babyfaces who only want a “crippled basinet” match. I’m tha oiliest heel this side of the Pocomoke River.
ZK: I have never been sick in my life, I’ve got Sicky (I mean youth) on my side and I’m ready to hit either of you where it hurts with my secret weapon: “the Bluejay promenade”
MG: I look a lot older than I am as a matter of fact. Kounsie, where’s that Brie from the backseat of your Honda CR-V?
ZK: The young boy Morgan: that’s not brie, goof. Stick to what you know: wrestling.
BM: Pretty sure Huck is the Black Scorpion.
ZK: Here’s how it’s gonna play out: Old Timers Pony Penis and Bowel Movement (Bryan Martin) have been holding on to the belt for a little too long and young old upstarts and 1122225 year old Morgan who is really young take the belt and the crowd goes WONKERS
BM: Somebody got apron anxiety
ZK: You WILL worship me as your new tag team champ.
BM: Yeah, you and Fred “GET THA PIGS” Brigham from Police Academy 1.
MG: I will scream. A good move is getting taller as the match goes on.
ZK: We are going to fry your frijoles, Bowel Movement. When you said lickalittlelovealittle on National TV, I called the proper authorities.
BM: I concur. I’m cutting my promo on YOUR toilet this time, Kouns Sanitary.
MG: I can’t believe Pony’s only move is chanting turd 1000 times a second.
BM: I wouldn’t want Huck’s Feather upside my holiday gourd again this year, not for a thousand cantilevered owls in the 4-D barnyard—it’s a HELL of a finisher.
MG: None. Bone.
BM: The last time we were in the DRUGTOWN Territory, I saw an entire first row turned to sawdust meat. Doorknob Wreckingball is my top, middle and bottom of the card jobber name, DO wear it out please.
ZK: Bryan, c’mon. Get ahold of yourself. You’re talking to one half of the new champs.
BM: I’m just saying Zank, thas what happens when ya let yer boys get aholda that lawnmower cologne.
ZK: Call me sir and I’ll keep you out of jail where you belong…maybe.
PPB: Go to bed.
BM: I know every skulleton key fabricator this side of the dial.
ZK: Bowel Movement, you’re going to jail. Morgan and I are established citizens and winners of the championship with our prowess. We’ll come visit you in jail so you can worship us.
BM: Well, my tag team pardner has told me or somebody to go to bed so perhaps you’re right as I ain’t about to breach the squared circle w/out him. But if I come back from time traveling as Abraham Lincoln again, you got a LOT a splainin to do, Zack.
ZK: He told you to go to bed and get some rest cause me and the Million Year Old Man just took the turkey. And you were Lincoln when Lincoln was Kali Yuga, babe.
BM: Ahh, so the Master Baster wants another gristle loaf for the Sinepuxent Volunteer Ladies Auxiliary Historical Revisionist Hoaxers annual bake off? I can deal with this. Seems like a ham candy and corn evening.
PPB: Yu are bible pill
BM: Another shortwave on stilts.
ZK: Bryan, watching you get put in the figure four leg lock by Nebudchanezer thousands of years ago is an abiding thrill. You’ve always been a heel.
BM: Haha that sky blue Bible Adventures cartridge did have that easter egg.
ZK: Tick lick toggle clock. I can put you in a “lumpy grumpy stumpy” with a Speech Language Pathologist who is as wispy as the day is wasp’s nest.
BM: Mess with tha best? Get tha TAC-SAC
ZK: try me.
MG: Looks like Ohio wins again. Can we get a weigh in please?
ZK: Zack Kouns 151 lbs. -1 BFI
MG: R. Morgan Garrett II: 175 lbs. 0 BFI
ZK: Ohio wins again.