HAÜS of HAND

Wine & Spirits Portfolio 2015

SOPPY DOGIE’S “RISPATTO di SPATCHIO”

A wild vine from Wimperlimb, now refinanced. I could hardly contain it; it slipped off the rocker. At the same time, the shingles flew off the roof. It wrapped itself all around the truss and started piddling onto Lazy Susan. Seeing an opportunity, she raced to grab a bucket and catch the piddles. The bucket had not been rinsed since Ole Bessie’s last squeeze, so that’s where that hint of curdled milk is coming from. Poor Bessie works overtime now.

SMOKEY DINGUS MEDICINE SHOW

Oakley get your gun! He’s got that look again. Remember what he did last time we let him come over and play? I wish you’d stop inviting that boy over. I know you feel bad for him, but he’s disturbed. There’s something off about that boy. Where’s his Mother? Where are my car keys? I’m going to drive him home before he shoots someone in the back of the knee cap again.

CRÈME de THORN liqueur

…and chokeslammed me right onto a bed of thumbtacks. Little men with little thimbles waited ringside. As each tack was pulled from my backside, a little man would catch my little blood trickle in his thimble. When I say little man, I mean little. About the size of a man that could fit in the head of a sperm. Where Vic McHarmon found these little guys beats me. Legend has it, they were once bodybuilders who kept growing muscles and big bodies and taking up a lot of space. There were too many of them, in Colorado, in 1883. Senator Horace Austin Warner Tabor pushed for a solution to the “big problem:” Shrink ‘em Down! And shrink they did - they shrunk everything! That’s why Colorado is so small today and is called Rhode Island.

LUMBER LIQUOR

Wood in a bag. All sorts. Call for pricing.

THINK TANK

Don’t let the name fool you, there won’t be much thinking going on round these parts. This stinker will land you in the slammer and throw away the key! Think Tank? More like drunk tank! You’ll wake up the next morning, and wonder, “What was I thinking?” Then you’ll wonder, “What was I drinking?” Then you’ll throw up, and when you see your throw-up, you will remember what you were drinking. You were drinking Think Tank, you fucking idiot. You were drinking Think Tank, like you did the night before, and the night before that. And God only knows what you were drinking before that, because that’s as far back as your long-term memory will take you. And your short-term memory ain’t too hot either. You’ve already forgotten what you drank last night. Up comes more vomit, along with some stomach bile. And…and you remember again. You were drinking Think Tank. Way to go. We from the Haüs of Hand applaud you. A round of applause, and a round on us. What will it be? A round of Think Tank? Coming right up, you fucking shithead idiot. Here you are! Make it count.

SNIFF & WAFT “HARD” RUM

Their old school rum gets a new school facelift. The unveiling will take place on July 23, at the head of Schlepper’s Trail, by the information stand and the dead fink. As in I’m all finked out, or fink you very much, or that’s a very nice fink coat I am washing. Do I have to spell it out for you? I know you can read, ‘cause you’re reading this. So, do me a favor and just walk over to the information stand and read about it for your own damn self. You don’t need me around holding your hand, spelling things out to you, and wiping your ass all the time, OK? What? What stand? Look. No, look, where I am pointing with my finger. THAT information stand. No. There. Yea. That stand. That’s right. Just walk over there, Charlie, and check it out. Read all about it. And stay there. Stay put. Until July 23. I have a big surprise for you on that day, Charlie. Stay tuned.