Horrorscopes for July 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - There's two dead women on a bench in the park. One of them is your aunt.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - He's been outside your house for days. He's staring at your family through your windows, scaring your children. Bash his fucking brains in with a hammer.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - Your father will abuse you; your father is violent. Imagine his hands on your mother's body.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Stay away from children; they will cut your stomach open and crawl inside your body pretending to be the person they believe you are.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - Put all the dead bodies in your kitchen in the the most remote cave in the State Park...that's the only way to get rid of that smell, pal.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Scratch out your eyes, peel off your skin, tear off your genitals; die to yourself and die to this world.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - Hang her by the tree in the back yard. She's asked you politely, after all.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - We will carry your body through the streets: trumpets, trombones, snare drums, harps, gods; there's something dark in the forsaken corners where we hide from ourselves.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - You will raise your loved ones from the dead; now they are hens and various other types of small fowl.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - You come home and someone has tied up your pets and made them watch an elaborately staged reenactment of the burning of Joan of Arc. Your living room is ruined! All that ash and all those dove feathers!
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - You've convinced yourself that you're the reincarnation of an 1840s gold prospector...but as a point of fact, you're not. Get rid of those six shooters and cowboy hats and stop using colloquialisms from the mid 19th century and you'll be just a little less lonesome and lost.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - Your mouth is on her mouth, life everlasting; she puts her hands on your genitals and you get an erection. Kiss her for hours, she's yours.