The Death of Love's Blues' #2 (June 2014)
by Steve Gigante
As fate would have it, I (a loner, but not an evil loner, just someone who gets along better with women from a distance) met both of the women I married during the same month (different years, though), in the same state (North Carolina), same city (Winston-Salem), and even the same venue (naturally).
Here are two 'notes' written about each of them. The first is written to a friend about my first wife. The second is written to my second wife. Proof positive (and there'll be more proof coming up) that love is all too often a messy and contradictory affair that leaves you searching for knives in the dark on an empty stomach and no sleep with hot memories serving as the sharpening stone, lubricated with blood, sweat, and tears (not the band, but the stuff that oozes out of you when you've lost your fucking mind in the sickening cesspool of your lacerated heart) - not to mention booze and whatever else and self-released semen. And I know I'm coming off kinda clinical here, but sometimes that's what you do when you miss people you love and if you didn't forcibly put some distance between you and those lost loves you actually would throw your body over the dam in Nowhere, North Carolina or swim out to the middle of the huge lake in Nowhere, Texas. Because that'd hurt less than walking around gasping for air (literally) and/or choking back tears that only come from knowing that you let down the beautiful creatures who once stared at you like you could make the blind see. And now it's over. And you still love them. And you always miss them. And it just hurts. All the fucking time. God damn it. Song lyrics follow the 'notes'.
'Note' #1:
"Yes, this all makes sense... ok, I've been awake for 41 hours, so forgive me if this rambles.
The thing is, in my case, I wish it were this simple. But when you throw in music, and what that means to me, and how her singing and lyrics brought forth all this buried/hidden knowledge in my guitar playing - stuff from W*** C****** that I hadn't applied in as deep and moving a manner, how when you first heard those first few songs she and I recorded, you told me that I have to marry this person, how the songs effortlessly flowed and poured out like someone else was writing them, how they were undeniably brilliant and beautiful, how crowds would go silent and stare, many people crying (there was one show in particular where this one girl was in such a state that, when we finished, A***** went out and just stood there and hugged her until she was ok). This is much more than entertainment and, in a sense, more than music. It's therapeutic, and people (particularly women) need to hear these songs, just like she and many others needed to hear the songs of Tori Amos and Fiona Apple at a certain point in their development.
Recently she and I had an e-mail 'blow up' of sorts, a lot of it was good, but at one point it got ugly and, well, this is what I wrote...
'because your songs and your spirit are beautiful and will help every single person out there who has suffered similar experiences pull through them... this is the truth' (quoting myself from an earlier exchange)
'--- also, just so you know, this is why when you're being a fucking cunt bitch asshole shithead to me i ignore it... there are FAR greater things at stake here than my being belittled by an insensitive self-centered little twerp like you'"
'Note' #2:
"Dollface, I love you and miss you, but I don't want to own you. Experience has shown me that any and all attempts to own people are foolish and insane - and only result in pain. All I want to own is the power (through strength and honesty) to have a creatively meaningful exchange with another person - whatever form that may take, and whether it's 'ugly' or 'beautiful' (preferably beautiful but if the opposite is necessary, so be it). But, these delineations are subject to perception and interpretation, so who's to say? All I know is I enjoy talking to you and looking at you (and, yeah, touching you and the rest of it). There's a delicious tension that makes our time together more real and electric. Because I don't want to own you. So, I'm not going to bullshit you. This doesn't mean I don't long for you. It just means I accept longing as a direct result of throwing away foolish chains."
~ The Two Wives of April ~
Two rings have gone missing
Two more sold in shame
One keeps to herself
One holds to my name
Eleven and twenty
Mark the days that we met
Years pass and I'm still
In love with them yet...
The first was a singer
All guts and stars
Of course, she was Venus
Of course, I was Mars
"Beauty", I called her
Yes, she was
But beautiful is
As beautiful does
So we did what love asked
With voice and guitar
Kids listened and cried
I thought we'd go far
And for a time there was magic
For a while we had fun
As we laughed at the dark
Inside the sun
Or how hometowns could burn
And get blown away
By a wild wind
On a pretty day
Now nothing is crazy
When it comes to your soul
She left me to drink
I crawled in a hole
And then tried to save her
From spirits and death
But you can't chase off demons
When you can't catch your breath
So, now...
I miss soft eyes of brown
And hair crazy red
How I thanked G-d every night
We laid down to bed
Sweating out the Summer
Under blankets through the cold
Two dreams tucked in tight
On the side of the road
In Tarot card secrets
And thrift store lamp light
I stood by her visions
Bleeding hope from the night
And I know she can see
How I still wait and stand
At the edge of her heart
To take her hand
Dreaming of our music
Longing for her songs
Lost in this world
Love never belongs
It just begs for a reason
To not be so cruel
I'd wed her again
Cuz I'm a damn fool... CH
The second was a liar
Who longed for what is true
A man to call her 'Woman'
And always come through
Red wine & cities
To get wicked & loose
Young men to torture
Older men to seduce
She trapped me with screams
In a dozen cheap motels
Her hair black as the heavens
Her eyes cold burning hells
Cuz it gets goddamn alone
Wandering around
So she kinda convinced me
To stay in her town
That I never could stand
Then I couldn't sit still
Now her kiss is another's
And I just wanna kill
But I'll live with the dying
And die to the grace
That sent her to me
With that gorgeous doll face
So, our picture still sits
In my Mother's spare room
When I'm there I can't sleep
Man, it feels like a tomb
There's me in a suit
And her in that dress
Looking happy together
Just like the rest of those people
in love
Who then tie the knot
Yes, we were in love
I almost forgot
Cuz she forced me to push her
Out of my mind
But my heart knows better
Crazy and blind
And I see...
Yes, I see she was lovely
We just made some mistakes
It's all in her eyes
Where everything breaks
Now I think of our lives
As I'm running around
Lost...
Again...
Love never slows down
It just begs for a reason
To not be so cruel
I'd wed her again
Cuz I'm a damn fool... CH
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