This Nation's Lazy Haste
by Chad Beattie

      Studies show that more people die from depression than they do car accidents. Coincidentally, 33% of people who die from car accidents also suffer from depression. 16.89% of those that both die from car accidents and suffer from depression are younger than thirty. 57.5674% of those younger than thirty suffer from depression. Point is, depression rates are sky-rocketing. Medication, therapy, and self-abuse can only alleviate so much internal anguish. Sooner or later one has no other choice than to face the mental illness head first. In order to better understand the complex effects depression has on the human psyche, we spoke to controversial psychiatrist James Spalding in his candle-lit study chamber.

      Spalding, who has two PhD's and over forty years of questionable experience, claims the soaring rate of depression is partly linked to the increased laziness within today's youth.

      “It all makes sense when you apply the history of scientific development,” claims Spalding, licking his chapped lips like a mule. “Evolution, perhaps, in it's simplest form. As comfort becomes apparent, we humans have the tendency to succumb to laziness. Advancement in technology has stimulated the desire to sit on the couch and post self-indulging messages for your friends to like or share. It has become the norm, as they say. The ABBA of experimental Yugoslavian field recordings. The peach of the pie.”

      The brains of today are rapidly diminishing. Screens have tragically and perhaps permanently replaced books. Ever since social media platform SpaceBook dug its way into the gut of modern humanity, a contagious disease of mediocrity has been spreading like Canadian wildfire. SpaceBook has rid common folk of their values. It has spit upon the dignity of those that post senseless summarizations of their trivial lives that have no effect whatsoever on the advancement of humankind. These summarizations can be publicly displayed via smiley faces, hashtags, and emojis – whatever the fuck that is. In turn, humanity as a whole has dumbed down to a level where anyone who wishes to sink to that idiotic level can easily do so. All it takes is a quirky tweet and a handful of unashamed followers.

      “The spontaneity in humanity has vanished,” says Spalding, scratching his fat bald head. “Back in my day, there was an unspoken degree of mystery behind encountering a stranger and never seeing them again. A certain level of intrigue was invoked. Nowadays, a quick google search can keep you up to date with literally anyone. We live in a world where everyone is connected by the internet – a capable tool originally created for intellectually progressive purposes. It doesn't surprise me that humans have taken advantage of this wonderful luxury and as a result have devolved to such a moronic and vapid state of non-being.”

      Suddenly a ringing vibration rumbles inside Spalding's corduroys, interrupting his train of thought. Spalding digs into his pocket and pulls out his XPHONE88 – the latest model. He swipes the screen and punches in his personal identification code, which coincidentally matches his date of birth. He grumbles a bit during his countless attempts to unlock his XPHONE. Eventually, through an old-fashioned system he refers to as “guess and check,” the XPHONE unlocks. Within nanoseconds, James Spalding holds the interconnected world in the palm of his sweaty hand. He stares abysmally into the vacuous screen. His IQ drops ferociously.

      “I don't give a rat's ass about your authentic enchilada recipe, nor do I care about your opinions on Kate Bush's discography,” Spalding bitterly mumbles as he scrolls through his Spacebook feed. “I mean, stop pretending Hounds of Love is superior to The Kick Inside. That's just ridiculous.”

      Anti-internet grouch and fun-sucking turd James Spalding stands loyal to his personal pessimistic opinions about the world as it currently exists; yet, he is just as, if not more, depressed than 52% of millennials. You can choose to deny modern society's technologies all you want, but that surely won't make you any happier. Everyone is sad and alone – this is a fact we all know. If you're not morbidly depressed, you're genetically stupid. This, of course, has been proven time and time again. Just ask any Deadhead whether they are happy. 100% of the time they will say yes.