COLUMNS
HORRORSCOPES
Zack Kouns
TEST
Wendy Hyatt
TALKIN' COUNTRY MUSIC
Matthew PonY Bones
AS THE WORLD TORNS
Jenny Moon Tucker
THE TEENAGED DREAMS OF LAUREN HAMAMI
Lauren Hamami
PROPHET BASKETBALL REPORT
Mac Callihan
OUR BROKEN, MIRACULOUS WORLD
Zack Kouns
THE MEEK
Ian Bush
SPECIAL FEATURES
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Horrorscopes for June 2013
by Zack Kouns
Aries (March 21-April 19) - There's a new sin in the tower inside your heart. Tiny animals who have adapted to the heat of this solar being chew on your ventricles to try and inflame and call forth your frightening love.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Warts inside your eyes create prisms that allow you to peer into the longsuffering past and the agonized future.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) - You came to yourself and you were on a raft in the middle of the ocean cutting open the stomach of an infant shark.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Horror and fevers; both of your hands are raised and circled by all the illnesses of man.
Leo (July 23-August 22) - Make your home in the well that's filled with the blood of 3 murderers. Stare into the face of the darkest moon and swallow bells and cathedrals till their blood is redeemed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Rats swallowed by snakes who swallow their own tail; perpetuation of the material world.
Libra (September 23-October 23) - I'm in your home breathing in your horsey's ear. Where's the fucking blender in this hellhole? I need a drink.
Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - Sister is crawling on all fours on a gravel road, dragging her child who is still bound to her by his unclipped umbilical cord.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Scorch the earth and level your home. Swallow sluggish stars and reckless oceans. Invent a new species of sidereal beings and command the elements to destroy consciousness.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - That thar's mah new hound. Fount it eatin mah ol snuff that Ah dumpt in a pile by tha sorraful, rotting birch tree.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - Your husband left you because he no longer desires you.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) - Bite my thighs until blood pours forth. That blood is our sexual union and everlasting, throbbing, turbulent seas of ecstatic coalescence. I move behind you in the darkness of night and with my hand on your left breast I bend you slightly forward so I can slide my engorged member into your shuddering womb.
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