Status Updates that I didn't post to www.facebook.com (March 2016)
by Zack Kouns
ALL MOVIES ARE TREASURES, LIKE THAT ONE TREASURE FIELD OF BLADES.
Charlotte’s Net, a classic spider tennis movie. That Spider aces out in spades.
I can’t believe my girlfriend’s son got made sheriff of Dumbass County Florida. Anything flies down there. Rick could probably even marry Rick, just the way he’s always wanted it. I’m just glad that Rick didn’t marry Eric Davis Weaver, his brother that is number 44 magnum for the Dodgers in 92. It’s illegal to marry your brother and it looks like Rick is gonna skate out of some jail time because he decided to not marry his brother. Smart one, Rick.
It should ease your mind that I’m connecting to the Popeye saga a lot.
I continually get threatened with gun and physical violence and all because I like Disney. That’s no way to act, in my opinion. I’m going to call everyone whose contact information I have and leave them a long voicemail about Disney films.
Justin Waters got my cat hooked on 4 wheeler fuel so my uncle don’t have any gas.
I hope you’re having a great 4th of July. The President called and I’m not allowed to celebrate because I’m interdependent on a lot of people like all the people who make my shoes for example and stuff like that, so I’m just going to go to a party at a 90s pop superstars house and duck under the radar. Again, I want to stress that I am not allowed by law to celebrate this holiday, so no one will sell me alcohol.
You need to sit down before you read this whole thing. OK, now that you’re sitting down, check out this status update: I’m going to freak out on my good friend Robby Kee in roughly 3 hours.
Consider life acting like this: I cuss out Human Host by using the f word a lot. It’s f this and f that everytime I talk to him. I talked to Human Host on the phone for nearly 200 minutes. He’s against Pete Rose being in the HOF and that PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. F THAT.
I think about this a lot: spending Christmas at English musical sensation Sting’s castle and eating figgy pudding with him.
Sometimes I like to eat mushrooms and not watch white people get into arguments. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Maybe even listen to the Royal Scam by Steely Dan alone in my room for good measure.
I was kind of wondering what the video might look like for the Pink song “Sober” I’m gonna check it out in 5 minutes or so.
Someone’s trying to pull a fast one on me. I’m going to wake up with an animal eating toast and poached eggs off my back again. It’s hard to accept acceptance while an animal is eating food off of your back when you wake up in the middle of a field in the morning.
I think about Bear Boy pretty often. Chew on that.
It was so nuts to see Andy Kaufman and Arvo Zylo standing on top of a blade together waving furiously at me in the blade field just outside of Chicago, Illinois.
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