Horrorscopes for May 2013
by Zack Kouns

Aries (March 21-April 19) - Sitting at the feet of an unnamed gods throne with a wild animal you strangled in the forest.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Herald serpents. Cut them open with razors from your stomach.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) - You're Lamar's new horse. Giddyup.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) - You've been murdered. You will rise rise rise rise rise from your shallow grave.

Leo (July 23-August 22) - The old man who lives next door that you've been caring for is actually your self. You have bone cancer.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) - Not too hot, not too cold. Do you ever wonder what it's going to be like to be spat from the mouth of Christ?

Libra (September 23-October 23) - The sculpture of the child that you lost that you keep in your forsaken heart has insects crawling out of her eyes and mouth.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - I intend to trample the trembling flowers and call forth violent thunderstorms that lay waste to the dead civilization and false gods inside you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - They'll every last one of them drip candle wax on your lonesome body while you're sleeping. Somebody ought to put a stop to life.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - Dirty Jazz. Mouths on mouths in a “nasty club.” Someone's got to get hurt, might as well be everybody.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - She came to your door with a severed hand in her mouth again. Why don't you just marry her and get it over with?

Pisces (February 19-March 20) - A blonde who was dressed as a punk rocker gives you a hand job in an alleyway. Her fishnet hands on your phallus behind the Family Dollar where no one has the courage to go.