North American Underground All Stars Reconsidered As Disney Personalities and also a little talk about wearing human skin as an upsetting fashion trend
by Zack Kouns and Lance Simmons
ZK: Rick reminds me so much of Bambi, Lance. Bambi is pretty cool and so is Rick.
LS: What characteristics of Rick relate to Bambi?
ZK: Bambi's a wild, innocent animal just like good old maniac Rick. Who would you say you most resemble, DIsney character wise?
LS: Yeah, that about sums Rick up. That's a good question. Ideally? Probably either Merlin or Dopey. Possibly that fat, idiotic mouse from Cinderella. One of the glaring omissions from The Sword in the Stone was Merlin's backwards life. You'd think that would be easy to portray in cartoon format. It's really those weird completely fabricated minor characters that portray the true essence of Disney.
ZK: They should have made The Sword in the Stone completely about Merlin, in my 100 percent correct opinion. Personally, I've been trying to emulate that baboon Rakifi from The Lion King with a dash of the Candlestick in Beauty and the Beast and that agile monkey from Aladdin thrown in for good measure. That's my idea of a balanced human being.
LS: Merlin flick would be off the charts. They would never put a character of his caliber on film these days, not for a second. That baboon really had something going too.
ZK: What Disney character do you think Zagers would be? I've been puzzling over this one all day.
LS: Another great question. Soft spoken, pragmatic, seemingly straight forward but enigmatic when you look closer.
ZK: Friar Tuck from Robin Hood?
LS: That's not bad. Not too far off at all.
ZK: What about Noah? Do you think he's more of a "villian" or a "hero"
LS: Hmm. I was thinking either Buzz Lightyear or Cruella Deville. I can't explain it, but Jeremy Harris is Cinderella.
ZK: That's wild, I was thinking Cruella Deville for Noah. The first thing that popped into my head. Yeah, I refuse to justify why I believe that Jeremy Harris is the next Cinderella in the cool sequel "Cinderella 2" I had a long drive today. I was trying to figure out Pony Bones too. I haven't made a lot of progress. What do you think?
LS: I've never seen Cinderella 2. Is that the 3 D Animated one?
ZK: That's the one that we've got to write and direct and then find our place in the sun now that we've found our star. I think we ought to have Cruella Anthony chase down Jeremy Cinderella in our brainy sequel.
LS: Undoubtedly. Can't wait to see it..
ZK: Yeah, can't wait to write and direct it with you and figure out how to fit Pony Bones into it via figuring out who in the hell he is in the Disney Pantheon.
LS: Jesus, that's a weird, long tunnel to go down.
ZK: I was thinking Pony would be an admixture of Grumpy Dwarf, Mowgli from the Jungle Book, the feisty hen handmaiden to Maid Marion in Robin Hood and Tramp from Lady and the Tramp. I thought about this ALL DAY.
LS: I was thinking maybe that insane orangutan king from Jungle Book. No, I've got it: the witch from Sword in the Stone. Undoubtedly. Now I could use a long drive to give this all some real thought. You might be that deranged orangutan come to think of it. Jenny Tucker is Gustav the muse from Cinderella. I think I'd have to say that Zagers is the Blue Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. And Carlos?
ZK: Carlos is Jaffar from Aladdin. That's easy.
LS: Damn. So true.
ZK: What about the cool Rock musician Sting?
LS: Isn't he a licensed Disney character already?
ZK: Sting reminds me of keeping up the good work. Just like the sultan and the sand and the grain fields in the great flick Aladdin.
LS: Mark Johnson professes to identifying with Quasimodo, which seems accurate.
ZK: I can see that. This one's been puzzling me for a while: Justin Waters.
LS: Some sort of demented monkey character.
ZK: I was thinking that Waters would maybe be Hiss, the Prince's snake from Robin Hood.
LS: Alex Tominsky is a Pinocchio if ever I've seen one.
ZK: It sort of bothers me how much Noah is like Cruella Deville.
LS: Do not get me started.
ZK: I've been watching 101 Dalmations non stop and I'm gonna start worrying about my skin around Cruella Anthony, fearing he might sell it to equip a fashion hungry underground. I bet I would be worn as an accessory or as a decent coat to any number of big house shows or etc.