by Zack Kouns

Aries (March 21-April 19) - Smear excrement on your walls; this will keep the wild animals out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) - Cut your abdomen open and let your intestines spill out. If they coil and make a spiral on the pavement then it's time for a haircut, buster!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) - Harness several fat children to a chariot and force them to pull you through the night sky like a lunar god.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Lap up the blood in your alleyway while crouched on all fours like a beast. I'll pay you 50 bucks to watch.

Leo (July 23-August 22) - Bury your wounded heart deep in the snow. Ankle bells and flocks of birds will sprout from that seed in the spring.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) - If the ghost of that dead child doesn't stop crying, then you're going to have to give her something to cry about.

Libra (September 23-October 23) - Bathe in stomach bile and cough syrup. Your skin needs to be revitalized.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21) - Smoke is pouring from your windows. I'll bet your house is on fire.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) - Why do you keep waking up with claw marks on your thighs and animal shit in your bed?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) - If you want your stomach pain to subside then you need to stop eating spools of wire, tree branches and staples.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) - Remember how peaceful your town used to be before they elected that catfish as mayor? Catfish can't make the trains run on time...they can't even survive on dry land.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) - Let her lash you on the back with a cat of nine tails. Kiss her from the end of her boot up to her hairy crotch until races spring from her loins.