COLUMNS
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Minutes from the Ax and Blade Incorporated Board Meeting
Compiled by Zack Kouns
Blade: Here's how our different enterprises are now divided: Commercial and physical product line falls under AX Inc. Music is under Dithyramb Publishing. All written material, including the magazine is managed by Crab Nebula Enterprises. All are subsidiaries of the shadowy, nebulous Maniax Industries International. I've been up for 48 straight hours working on our new Fall product line and am now sure it's gonna dazzle and wow. Blue Boy, you and I are gonna work on spreading the gospel on business blogs later today in the new and improved poolside tent of tears. Ax, I need you and Trotter to nearly drink yourself to death today. It will be a good publicity stunt for out new product: Dr. Walrus MD. Fogg TV are just a bunch of sadsacks sitting around in a Carrboro circle talking about their boohoo childhoods. We need to give them a good talking to. I'd call them our rusty rivals but we have some new arrivals on the horn by tomorrow morn. Total upgrade of the Tent of Tears that will get those daddy's girls crying in their cream of onion soup.
Ax: I visited you and the jaguar in your studio last night. I plan on mixing the results in public with a “race denier” Luscious Lynn is going to take care of my cheek while I'm out there. It's all AX to me.
B: She was there? OH BUDDY, YOU HAD A WILD RIDE! THAT GIRL WAS BORN INTO MOUTHLOVE BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY!
A: I like your pluck. I can't wait for you to meet “the diplomat” Bravo coupe. You're a real go getter. Everyone here at AX Universe wants to shake your tree and give you the key. I'm building a silver steamer just for you, to commemorate all your hard work, waterboy. Gonna talk to the Dr Jeffrey Jump and Charles Crump and see if they think you can handle TWO silver steamers you lucky boy, you.
B: Listen little feller; overseeing all of these successful enterprises and subsidiaries of Maniax Industries International is reward enough for this humble executive. Send the Steamers over to Lynn. I owe her for my ornriness as is. Mr Midnight's been pulling his weight as well. I'm gonna talk to the BIG CHEESE about getting all of you at AX Inc a little raise as well, I like the way you do business.
A: Two silver steamers coming right up and scooting your way, bossboy. What you do with them is none of my business. My business is making sure you get as many of the contraptions as possible. Expect roughly a dozen a day. Now I must make the power prayer bliss orgy of EVERYTHING AX BLITZ AND NOTHING ELSE Exists Inc. See you in the Sunshine.
B: I like your gall over there. Started as just a small subsidiary that no one else but me believed in and you're proving out beyond our wildest dreams. The BIG CHEESE wants us to know that he is really taking a keen interest in our work. The BIG CHEESE is Bug Bite and we're the only one who speaks his language. Our stars are rising Ax, I see a month full of mouths in our not too distant future.
A: Oh, that's good news. Just got out of the prayer pow wow. Had a divine time. We nibbled our bridal showers. Hard at work now: “Sam Cash: turn your cash into Sam.”
B: THAT'S GOLD! The BIG CHEESE just gave me Justin Timberlake tickets. I told him I wasn't into JT. I got Bug Bit. I need to watch my mouth.
A: Just bought the airwaves. Broadcasting livemouth on VAGUE FM. We are heading for a sizable and total takeover. “Stay silver. Stay steamed.” -The Diplomat BUG BITE UNITED.
B: That's cute stuff, little buddy. Take over a gigantic corporation. You're a real commodian. Yessir, Bug Bite is a front and an affront to the way civilized scumbags conduct themselves in this dum dum world. He takes a bite out of slime.
A: United we trust. Bug Bite we must. You and I are the sole keepers of the ancient and boneheaded secret language of the Bug Bites. Just put our money and our trust in Chump Change Treasury.
B: If anyone dares to try and mouth our secret to the wrong donut, we'll be wearing his face as our face and he'll be drinking pool water out of Lynn's toenail.
A: Agreed, leather friend. The NSA growler and Blue Boy better all keep their clamholes from spilling out the beans. STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. Nobody shall ever see this and live past the jaguar's licking tongue borrowed from Lynn. Maniax dump is now responsible for our secrets, theology and taking out the trash.
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