by Teague Furst
It's
Fall again. The leaves are curling up and dropping, the smell of
fire is sticking to everyone. Halloween is blurring lines between
real and imagined, public and private, mundane and sexual. Like the
leaves, yesterday's fashions are curling up to die, but the forbidden
future is ripe for the picking. Time to catch up with brave bedroom
trends and avoid Fall faux-pas. Here's your Furst Look at October
2014.
No
More White
Labor
day happened, so don't get caught wearing white.
If
bizarre medical mishaps are your fantasy, this may sound like bad
news, but don't fret; your doctor/nurse outfit just needs a few color
adjustments. Consider a pale green pair of powder-free latex gloves
or a baby blue blood-spotted nurse's smock. Your "patient"
will never know the difference.
Men,
"no white" means it's time to consider cum alternatives.
Food-safe dyes are a fool-proof and hygienic way to add some variety
to your palette. Blues and greens are always in season. If you're
the crafty type, you may want to try turmeric for some Autumnal
flair, but save the beet juice for Springtime. Think of your cum as
a flag. It's your most powerful way of making a statement, and it's
important to make it count. I use this helpful acronym, TOPC "Tops",
to remember the four basic criteria for impressive climax: Timing,
Odor, Placement, Color.
"Keep
Your Hat On"
Fall
means a return to hats and sex is no exception. From the classic
baseball cap to a Kentucky Derby dazzler, headgear is a subtle but
powerful way to make an impact in the sack. When it comes to leaving
them on, Hats are the new Socks. The right hat can send powerful
messages to your lover(s) while providing some welcome friction. But
having a hat is only half the battle. The right (or wrong) hat can
send strong connotations when it comes to love and lust. Stock up so
you can pick the right hat to set-or suit- the mood.
Try
a hard hat for a blue collar feel, or the classic leather zip-up for
a mysterious and edgy alternative. Maybe you're the all-American
type (Cowboy hat), the shy artist (plastic wrap), the extremist (ski
mask), the beauty queen (crown), the thespian (beret), or the
sociopath (fedora)? Try a football helmet** to present adolsecent
longing/nostalgia, a top hat for a vaudevillian twist, or a dunce cap
for a playfully submissive surprise. And, speaking of helmets,
Never
Forget:
every time you fail to complete a sentence a volunteer firefighter
loses his helmet. Keep that in mind if
Also,
consider changing hat positions as things get thirsty. A 180 degree
backwards cap reversal could be the secret ingredient to driving your
partner wild.
When
sizing, remember that the right hat should be worn tight. It's not
about your comfort, so suck it up! In some cases, you may want to
bring an appropriate accompanying hat for your partner(s). Choose
wisely and avoid potentially insensitive pitfalls here. Use your
brain!
Fall
On Fire
You
must have had your head underwater if you haven't noticed the amount
of progressive trend-seekers incorporating actual fire into their
love lives this season!
That's
right, this age-old element is getting a fresh spin this Fall, and it
just might be the secret to saving your dull sex life. This Fall's
flames are not the flames from your mother's fireplace, and they're
not the flames your father used to burn trash in the driveway. They
are screaming fast,
young, brave, dangerous, primal, literal, heroic, stubborn, and
anything but safe.
Don't
be left behind; fire is as simple as using your imagination and
having a couple of key ingredients on hand. Be ready when the moment
strikes! Keep a set of matches, some flammable fluid, and a small
candle or two in your coat pocket, purse, or underwear.
Show that you're staying current with a subtle pubic singe, or make a
bold, classic statement with the permanent sting of a hot iron brand.
Maybe
a flaming object or vehicle is the way to grab a crush's attention
for the first time. Imagine the glimmer in that special someone's
eyes as they follow a growing trail of flames into their own bedroom.
Or, you and Special Someone tangled and immobile as the room fills
up. Picture Special Someone's screams of pleasure during a
candle/curtain "accident" where an "extinguisher"
does anything but(t).
Whether
you're aiming for classic or kink, I'm confident that you can find a
good fit within this October trend. Use it to make an impact that
will last. After all, fire may be here to stay, but we are
momentary. Fall will be over in the blink of an eye; new loves will
come and go. Don't fade away this season!
Nothing
screams "I'm
current"
like you, screaming "I'm current!," outside the bedroom
window, on fire.
FOOTNOTE
**
(**In
fact, athletics in general are making a big appearance in the bedroom
windows of America. Ifyou're like me, you're seeing a lot of baseball
cleats. equestrian themes, and aquatic gear through the near-drawn
shades. Don't slip/sleep on this growing trend.)