Furst Look: Fresh trends in sex and hygiene
by Teague Furst

It's Fall again. The leaves are curling up and dropping, the smell of fire is sticking to everyone. Halloween is blurring lines between real and imagined, public and private, mundane and sexual. Like the leaves, yesterday's fashions are curling up to die, but the forbidden future is ripe for the picking. Time to catch up with brave bedroom trends and avoid Fall faux-pas. Here's your Furst Look at October 2014.

No More White

Labor day happened, so don't get caught wearing white.

If bizarre medical mishaps are your fantasy, this may sound like bad news, but don't fret; your doctor/nurse outfit just needs a few color adjustments. Consider a pale green pair of powder-free latex gloves or a baby blue blood-spotted nurse's smock. Your "patient" will never know the difference.

Men, "no white" means it's time to consider cum alternatives. Food-safe dyes are a fool-proof and hygienic way to add some variety to your palette. Blues and greens are always in season. If you're the crafty type, you may want to try turmeric for some Autumnal flair, but save the beet juice for Springtime. Think of your cum as a flag. It's your most powerful way of making a statement, and it's important to make it count. I use this helpful acronym, TOPC "Tops", to remember the four basic criteria for impressive climax: Timing, Odor, Placement, Color.

"Keep Your Hat On"

Fall means a return to hats and sex is no exception. From the classic baseball cap to a Kentucky Derby dazzler, headgear is a subtle but powerful way to make an impact in the sack. When it comes to leaving them on, Hats are the new Socks. The right hat can send powerful messages to your lover(s) while providing some welcome friction. But having a hat is only half the battle. The right (or wrong) hat can send strong connotations when it comes to love and lust. Stock up so you can pick the right hat to set-or suit- the mood.

Try a hard hat for a blue collar feel, or the classic leather zip-up for a mysterious and edgy alternative. Maybe you're the all-American type (Cowboy hat), the shy artist (plastic wrap), the extremist (ski mask), the beauty queen (crown), the thespian (beret), or the sociopath (fedora)? Try a football helmet** to present adolsecent longing/nostalgia, a top hat for a vaudevillian twist, or a dunce cap for a playfully submissive surprise. And, speaking of helmets, Never Forget: every time you fail to complete a sentence a volunteer firefighter loses his helmet. Keep that in mind if

Also, consider changing hat positions as things get thirsty. A 180 degree backwards cap reversal could be the secret ingredient to driving your partner wild.

When sizing, remember that the right hat should be worn tight. It's not about your comfort, so suck it up! In some cases, you may want to bring an appropriate accompanying hat for your partner(s). Choose wisely and avoid potentially insensitive pitfalls here. Use your brain!

Fall On Fire

You must have had your head underwater if you haven't noticed the amount of progressive trend-seekers incorporating actual fire into their love lives this season!

That's right, this age-old element is getting a fresh spin this Fall, and it just might be the secret to saving your dull sex life. This Fall's flames are not the flames from your mother's fireplace, and they're not the flames your father used to burn trash in the driveway. They are screaming fast, young, brave, dangerous, primal, literal, heroic, stubborn, and anything but safe.

Don't be left behind; fire is as simple as using your imagination and having a couple of key ingredients on hand. Be ready when the moment strikes! Keep a set of matches, some flammable fluid, and a small candle or two in your coat pocket, purse, or underwear.

Show that you're staying current with a subtle pubic singe, or make a bold, classic statement with the permanent sting of a hot iron brand.

Maybe a flaming object or vehicle is the way to grab a crush's attention for the first time. Imagine the glimmer in that special someone's eyes as they follow a growing trail of flames into their own bedroom. Or, you and Special Someone tangled and immobile as the room fills up. Picture Special Someone's screams of pleasure during a candle/curtain "accident" where an "extinguisher" does anything but(t).

Whether you're aiming for classic or kink, I'm confident that you can find a good fit within this October trend. Use it to make an impact that will last. After all, fire may be here to stay, but we are momentary. Fall will be over in the blink of an eye; new loves will come and go. Don't fade away this season!

Nothing screams "I'm current" like you, screaming "I'm current!," outside the bedroom window, on fire.


(**In fact, athletics in general are making a big appearance in the bedroom windows of America. Ifyou're like me, you're seeing a lot of baseball cleats. equestrian themes, and aquatic gear through the near-drawn shades. Don't slip/sleep on this growing trend.)