Eugenics, Kevin Costner's early career and the origins of the human eye: a candid interview with Lauren Hamami
by Zack Kouns
ZK: Lauren, aren't you a little concerned that there is a little wildness left in the world?
LH: (No response)
ZK: Live a little?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: I love to go nutso. Completely off the deep end. Going nuts is a natural right, buddy.
LH: (No Response)
ZK: Lauren, I don't believe in Eugenics. Do you?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: Lauren, in the middle of watching all of those horror flicks did you ever get a chance to catch the film "Dances With Wolves"?
LH: (No response)
ZK: Hey Lauren, do you believe joy is a component of savagery and that savagery itself is a sign post for a civilization that isn't so entrenched in mind and opinion?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: This interview is going great. Wow, Kevin Costner showed a lot of promise in his early career and film choices. What in the heck do you think happened along the way that seemed to make Kevin choose some stinkers and continue along those lines?
LH: (Nothing)
ZK: You know Lauren, have you ever seen a giant crab or other kind of claw in your dreams?
LH: (Not a word)
ZK: Lauren, I don't really care for the way that John Locke or particularly Adam Smith thought. I don't think they're fluent in the school of life. What about your thoughts?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: Lauren, I want your sincere answer on this one. I like the way Kevin Costner did things. How about you?
LH: (No response)
ZK: Lauren, I like to go nutso every now and again. How about you?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: Lauren, I love life and you're a real neat gal. It's great getting your answers to all of these trivia life hack questions that I'm going to print. My biggest question has to be: keep up the good work, why don't you, Lauren Hamami?
LH: (Not a word)
ZK: Lauren Hamami, what keeps the world turning for you, buddy? All the readers in the world need to figure that out.
LH: (No response)
ZK: Lauren, I think about the origins of the human eye an awful lot. You're a brainy gal. What do you think caused people to start having a look at life?
LH: (Nothing)
ZK: Life's a real thrill, huh?
LH: (Not a word)
ZK: Lauren, you ever had ammonia or formaldehyde thrown in your eye so that you were blind for the rest of your natural life?
ZK: (No response)
ZK: Lauren, I got stuck in an elevator a time or two in a dream. Can you think about how blue I felt then?
LH: (Silence)
ZK: Wow, thanks for taking the time to sit down and talk with me, Lauren. I can't stress how much I've loved this interview. It's like a noodle in the hot sun on the 4th of July. Independence Noodle.
LH: (Complete Silence)
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